A liberating experience
By the time you read this, I will probably not be employed by this newspaper. My journalism career will be in tatters. What I am about to disclose here violates the most sacrosanct unwritten rule in the news industry, and I will pay a price for divulging it. What I will tell you about is something that everyone outside the business talks about and something that nobody inside the business dares whisper about. It’s something so powerful that it dictates domestic policy and affects politics around the globe. What I will reveal is the workings of The Liberal Media and how it has proliferated to dominate our lives: how we think, how we act and how we relate to each other. It has altered the geopolitical face of this planet.But let me start at the beginning of how I came upon the information that I am about to share. You see, I have been working at this paper for about a year. That may not seem significant, but it is to those who run your newspapers, radio stations and television networks. That is the amount of time it takes for them to analyze a new reporter’s or staff member’s tendencies. Believe it or not, someone at The Liberal Media national office reviews the entire year’s work of every new media member. Conservative viewpoints are effectively weeded out.How do I know this? Well, I learned about this system from an insider whom I confided in during my first days at The Aspen Times. I feel awful for betraying that friend’s trust, but it was for the greater purpose of learning. With this knowledge, I suppressed my natural conservative proclivity and played the game well enough to make it through the first year of screening. As a reward, I got invited to The Liberal Media indoctrination program in Bleeding Heart, Va., last week.I know that your first reaction to this is one of skepticism. If this screening process exists, why do staunch conservatives like Rush Limbaugh and Tony Hershey exist in mainstream media? That was my first question at orientation too. The answer was straightforward and made sense: The Liberal Media allows people like this to operate because they are so far to the right and so outrageous that nobody takes them seriously. Even conservatives don’t consider them to be part of The Media. They are strictly entertainers. Their effect on Americans has been the same as when McDonald’s switched to cooking with vegetable oil; it’s still all fat and no meat.After that introduction, our craft class seemed silly at first. They taught us to write with our letters tilting to the left. Believe me, it’s not as easy as it sounds. Look at your own handwriting. Most of us were taught from a young age to slant our words to the right. It’s a bias that you must overcome to make it in the news industry, which goes a long way in explaining why The Media espouses views that are different from most people’s. A psychologist explained it to us. It has something to do with the left and right brain vortex something or other. I never put much stock in that sort of thing, yet I must admit that there is something to it. As my words began slanting backward, I literally saw things differently.We were instructed to write a paragraph against gun control while practicing this technique. To the astonishment of all, when we read our essays aloud to the class, they all sounded slightly pro-gun control, or neutral at best. Amazing!Dan Rather was a guest speaker. You would think that his recent blunders at CBS are a source of embarrassment to The Liberal Media. Nothing could be farther from the truth. They are so confident in their solidly entrenched system of disseminating the liberal perspective that they aren’t at all worried. In fact, Dan shared some hearty laughs with our group. It made us all feel confident about future job prospects.The last day of the seminar was the most enlightening. We talked with economists, finance experts and assorted Ph.D.s about the mechanisms that exist in the marketplace to keep The Liberal Media in control over what The World sees, reads and hears. The conclusions will shock you. They demonstrated to us that the basis of their power lies in the general populace placing all of its faith in a venerated system, the very cornerstone of conservative doctrine, that simply does not work. That system, hard as it is to believe, is capitalism. They demonstrated the truth as follows: In theory, resources will flow to produce a commodity that is in high demand and short supply. That’s where huge profits are made. The Liberal Media provides glaring proof that this just doesn’t work. Most of America wants balanced reporting. Even so, all major news outlets continue to report events with a liberal bias. Get it? We demand conservative news coverage, yet liberal coverage is pervasive. Supply is not meeting demand! Someone suggested that this could just be because conservatives are intellectually inferior and that, even the ones with plenty of capital, aren’t smart enough to employ it to produce a media outlet that would cater to the conservative majority while winning the ratings wars and realizing huge profits.This idea was not new to those at The Liberal Media, and they informed us that they are expending resources to study its validity. Either way, at the end of the week, it was hard to argue against The Liberal Media owing its existence to either the complete failure of capitalism or a diminished conservative intellect. Personally, this was all very hard for me to come to grips with. In the end, though, I had no good reason to doubt it. Because the alternative would be to accept that all this Liberal Media stuff is just a myth.Now that would be ridiculous! By conservative estimates, Roger Marolt interpreted the facts of this story liberally. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org
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For those of you who follow my monthly missives, and occasionally read between the lines, you may have noticed a trend toward a bit of cognitive dissonance and some internal conflict on my part.