A few simple rules for guys in town | AspenTimes.com

A few simple rules for guys in town

Alison Berkley
Aspen, CO Colorado

Men in this town are even dumber than I thought.

I don’t know what it is, but lately, a lot of them have decided to tell me what they’re really thinking.

I always thought they were such simple creatures, thinking about nothing more than eating, drinking, sleeping, watching sports on TV and having sex.

I guess if that were really the case, dealing with them would be as easy as feeding them, watering them, sticking something in front of them to keep them entertained (and/or putting something in front of them to stick it into) and tucking them in bed at night.

Now I come to find out that these guys are just as caught up in the game as we girls are. The problem is they don’t know how to play by the rules. So no matter how good they are, they never win in the end. It’s kind of like trying to beat the dealer ” the best you can do is hope for a good enough hand to keep playing.

Back by popular demand, then, is the list.

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Rule No. 1: Never, ever tell a woman what you think she wants to hear because you’re always going to get it wrong.

I was talking to my two buddies the other day about how they’re always getting trapped into saying things they shouldn’t by those evil, manipulative women who make getting laid regularly so extremely difficult that it hardly seems worth it anymore.

Brain (yes, that’s Brian with the letters “a” and “i” switched around because you so know who I’m talking about) was ranting and raving about how his weekend in Vegas with the guys was ruined. All because he was stupid enough to invite the girl he was dating, assuming she’d have the decency to say no. He dug himself in even deeper when he resented her for going. Finally they grew to despise each other enough to stop having sex, which was the whole reason he tolerated her in the first place.

Then Dick chimes in about how his girlfriend is always baiting him into saying the wrong thing. “The next thing I know she’s all mad at me and I don’t even know what we’re fighting about. That makes her even more mad, so she gets dressed, storms out and leaves.” Dick is frustrated because he’s put in his time trying to appease her in the hopes she’ll eventually just shut up so they can go back to having sex.

Boys, let me make this really easy for you. Simple yes or no answers will do. Let’s name a few: Do I look fat in this? “No.” Are you sure you love me? “Yes.” You’re not just using me for sex? “No.”

Think of it like a condom for your mouth. No matter how much the pressure builds up, trust me, it’s best to keep a lid on it. I know it feels so good spewing out, but it’s only going to cause you problems later (crude, I know, but come on ” it’s a great analogy if I do say so myself).

Mistake No. 2: Tell her what she doesn’t want to hear so she’ll go away.

Any man who has ever uttered the words, “I don’t love you,” knows what happens when you do. First, her eyes turn into two smoldering black holes. Then her head becomes detached from the neck and starts to spin on top of her shoulders, slow at first and then faster and faster and faster until the guttural scream erupts from somewhere deep inside her. You may or may not get slapped across the face. She might go for the pounding of the chest with her fists instead. Or maybe she’ll just push you really hard, and if you’re lucky, you won’t be standing on the roof of a tall building when she does.

I get it that some women need a firm hand, lest they turn more subtle statements like “I think we should take a break,” and “I’m not attracted to you,” into something less severe. Believe-you-me, after that four hour phone call with her mother/sister/best gay friend she will translate whatever you said into something along the lines of really, you need her more than ever. And the next time you see her late night at Chelsea, you’ll think so too. And the whole cycle will begin all over again. That, my dear boy, can go on for years.

There’s only one way out: You’ve got to play the Respect Card. All you have to do is open your yap and say, “It’s only because I respect you.” It’s the garlic, the daylight, the kryptonite that will ward off the evil bitch in any woman. The underlying lesson here is you have to learn to give them exactly what it is they think they want.

Mistake No. 3: Try to be Mr. Nice Guy

The other day Dick calls me in a panic.

“Help! I told her I would go over there and take care of her cats because she has a long shift today, but I’m afraid she might be there,” he squeals.

“What do you want from me?” I ask. “If you don’t want to see her, why did you offer to help her?”

“Because I want to be nice. I don’t want her to hate me.”

Funny how “I don’t want her to hate me” sounds a lot like “I still want her to date me.” Hello, you want back-up sex. You know you might not find an adequate replacement as soon as you would like, especially before she finds someone else to feed her pussy. If you really do want her to move on, drop the Nice Guy act and get a move on yourself.

The bottom line? You can’t win, so you might as well learn to play by her rules.