25 questions to keep me awake
I stand corrected in the wake of last week’s missive about sleeping on the bus. There are other things one can do during the ride – namely ponder truly troubling questions.In fact, a list of the Top 20 Things To Think About On The Bus Ride Home made it into my e-mail in response.I’m shamelessly offering them here, as I found most of them worthy of further thought. Plus, I added a few of my own (to make it look like I’m working), but I’m not telling you which ones. Now it’s a Top 25 list. If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service, would they have to change their name to Knockers? Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there … I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Can you get cornered in a round room? If a fork is made of gold, would it still be considered silverware? If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes? Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them? Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Can a person choke and die on a Life Saver? If you took a compass to outer space, would it still point to “magnetic north”? Is there still a north, south, east and west in space? When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand? If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would their kids be identical? Do ducks sneeze? What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called? What is the speed of dark? Do cows have calf muscles? If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy? Do calves have anything but calf muscles? Why do drive-up ATMs have instructions written in Braille? If the planned helicopter drop of two eight-foot dice onto the Buttermilk superpipe in February results in snake eyes, do they have to roll them again? Did they switch from Roman numerals to spell out the number associated with the Winter X Games last season because they knew next year’s games, Winter X Games 10 (or Ten), would be Winter X Games X otherwise? If I dress as downvalley trash for Halloween, exactly what would that look like?Janet Urquhart is looking for answers. Her e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org
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Aspen’s summer Sister City, the Hamptons, had its woes summed up in a recent Vanity Fair article, “Rich People of the Hamptons Have a New Headache: Even Richer People.”