Cole: The practice of meditation

For the past several months I’ve written about the challenges of staying in the present moment and why we tend to distract and self-medicate. The over-simplified explanation for this propensity is that most of us have a somewhat negatively leaning narrative going on in our heads, like a looped recording set on replay. And we often look for ways to quiet or avoid hearing the message. Sadly, our social culture is more than willing to provide countless, easily accessible options to accomplish this, usurping the most precious of resources — our attention.

This internal narrative is the voice of the protective self, formed early in our lives and always ready to step in, attempting to keep us from harm and from feeling pain. This narrative is often reinforced by the external messages we see and hear every day through experiences and relationships in our lives.

In the next couple of months, I’ll be offering suggestions of how to develop a deeper awareness of this internal narrative and how to tell your protective self — whether it’s a controlling monster or a constant nagging and disapproving voice — you don’t need it anymore. You’ll be able to let it go and live a more mindful and authentically present life. There are numerous ways to accomplish this and many of them can be placed in the category of mindfulness practices because they are endeavors that try to bring us more into the present moment.

To create a baseline of understanding, it’s important to appreciate the definition of this often overused and sometimes disparaged term. Mindfulness is simply non-judgmental awareness. “Non-judgmental” because we could all be a bit less critical of ourselves and we need to accept that whatever negative thoughts might be swirling around in our minds were mostly just responses to situations we didn’t know how to manage. The “awareness” is recognition of our internal narrative or story.

So how do we become more mindful?

Because it’s a widely familiar practice, let’s start with meditation. I believe there is a pervasive misunderstanding of the purpose meditation serves. Many people think the goal of mediation is to quiet the mind and create a calming and relaxing experience. While it’s true that meditation can give rise to this, chilling out is more of a welcomed secondary outcome. The primary purpose of meditation is to develop a deeper, non-judgmental awareness (mindfulness) of our internal narrative. When we sit still, remove most distractions and take away all excuses to let our minds wander, the internal narrative has no place to hide and becomes much easier to discern. The reason mediation can be so difficult is that we often don’t want to hear the voice in our heads or feel the associated pain, so we fidget, get lost in our thoughts, declare that meditation is pointless and quit. Quite understandably … who wants to voluntarily experience a raw, unfiltered critic, front and center with no buffer? At first, mediation can be uncomfortable both physically and emotionally.

But we need to be able to hear what we’ve been repeatedly telling ourselves our whole lives in order to be able to let go of those parts that are self-limiting and unhelpful to us in our quest to be in our authentic state of being. It’s also essential to know what this voice sounds like, what triggers its arrival and to know what it feels like when it takes over the steering wheel. When things get rough, you’ll know who’s driving. With this insight, especially when we’re in the middle of some kind of conflict or tension-filled interaction, we can take a breath, step back and recognize the workings of the protective self.

My first meditation instructor offered an analogy that’s been the foundation of my mediation practice for over 30 years. He said to imagine my thoughts as a wild horse and my control of those thoughts as the fencing that creates the boundaries for the horse. If the space is too limiting, like a small pen, the horse feels trapped, causing stress and anxiety and eventually, the horse would jump over the fence or break through the gate in search of more freedom. If the container was too big or there were no boundaries at all, the horse would wander off and have no sense of belonging to a particular space. Our thoughts are like the horse. They need boundaries in order to create a sense of safety and structure, allowing them to wander and explore but with healthy limitations. If they are too tight or regimented, we feel constrained and oppressed. If they are too loose, we have no control over our thoughts leading to a lack of focus and discipline. We each need to discover how big our container needs to be so that we can thrive in our authentic experiences.

Most of us who have tried meditation will agree that it’s easy to get lost in our thoughts, going on wild journeys within our heads with nothing else to occupy the time or entertain or distract us. One technique to offset this tendency is to count our out-breaths up to a certain number (I like 21) and then starting over again at one. At first, it may be difficult to even get past 10 without getting lured into some thought sequence. Sometimes you might keep counting past 21 and not realize it. Eventually, with enough practice, you’ll find your rhythm. Start by sitting for just five minutes and add a minute or two each day as you begin to feel more present.

The practice of meditation is to create a comfortable but intentionally defined space where we can, at first, simply notice what thoughts come up and, through curiosity, be able to label them as helpful thoughts or unhelpful thoughts. Eventually, you’ll get better at letting go of the ones that are unhelpful. The goal is really just to shift the balance of our protective narrative and our authentic narrative. The protective narrative will always be there, waiting for its chance to swoop in and “save the day” but, through increased mindfulness (as I said a few weeks ago) we can learn to anticipate its arrival, thank it for checking in on us and remind it that I we are capable of resolving our own challenges.

Jeff Cole is a licensed professional counselor, board certified leadership and performance coach, certified meditation instructor and graduate of Naropa’s Contemplative Psychology program. He can be reached at jmcole28@gmail.com.