Cole: Mattering

Reflecting on one of the fundamental truths we have as human beings, Bob Chapman, author of Everybody Matters and founder of Our Community Listens wrote, “People desperately want to know that who they are and what they do matters.”

Sport and performance psychologist Michael Gervais says, “We’re all cut from the same sense of ‘do I matter?’ and I think that’s a fundamental thing for us to sort out knowing that we matter just because we breathe.”

I couldn’t agree more. I truly believe mattering is at the core of all we are as human beings. Most of us want to matter to something or someone, to a purpose or cause.

But that sense of mattering must originate from within us, not from an external source. It’s always reassuring to get an affirming validation to support our own knowing that we matter, but the foundation still has to be built by us. We cannot reach our full potential in whatever we’re doing if the results of that experience are being used to find our sense of mattering. 

We are, of course, all flawed human beings and prone to repeated attempts to find external validation. Some of us think we matter based on what we look like, relying on other people’s perceptions. Some think we matter because of what we own, holding on so tightly in fear that others might try to take it away. Some of us use sport, competition or achievement to convince ourselves we matter. Some of us exert power or control over others to feel like we matter. Some of us use drugs or alcohol to numb the pain of thinking we don’t matter. Some look to a particular faith to tell us we matter but then reject people who might believe in a faith that conflicts with our own. Some of us look to a significant other to validate our mattering and when they don’t make us feel how we think we should feel, we resent and blame them for our suffering. Some of us take on the role of victim as a dysfunctional way to feel like we matter (at least they’re being mean to me …).

Professor and author Brené Brown believes that in order to feel that we matter, we must also have a sense of belonging. She defines true belonging as a deep, authentic connection to self and others. It’s a state of being accepted for who we are, not just for who we pretend to be. Brown distinguishes this from “fitting in,” which is a hollow substitute that can actually hinder true belonging. She says that belonging starts with self-acceptance. We can’t truly belong if we don’t believe in ourselves, flaws and all. That acceptance requires practice; being vulnerable, having courage and being present with others without sacrificing authenticity. This powerful force comes from within, by embracing our authentic selves.

Ultimately, to build an internal sense of mattering, we need to cultivate more self-awareness. Most of us go through life with a general sense of who we are and, in a lot of circumstances, that’s enough. We get by. But if we want to live our best lives, we need to develop a stronger and much deeper sense of who we are. Once again, we can’t outperform our self-concept so we have to develop and enhance it. 

One of the best ways to do this and one that has become the primary modality for sport and performance psychology is ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (or Training). One of the reasons ACT has replaced CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) in the sport and performance world is that CBT’s main objective is to turn negative and distorted thoughts and behaviors into positive ones. But what researchers discovered is that we really can’t change negative thoughts, mostly because we are hard-wired to expect negative outcomes. It’s what kept us alive in more primitive times. It’s safer to assume the rustling in the bushes is a tiger or that our good status in the tribe is always at risk. 

Today, life is at least physically safer and we don’t need that level of worry, but it remains part of who we are. What we can do now is accept (the A in ACT) that we have negative thoughts and then shift our focus, through mindfulness practices, to what we value most. Then we commit (the C in ACT) to taking action toward the goals we’ve set along that valued path. Throughout our journey, we must also learn that our thoughts (which cause feelings) aren’t always as real as we believe and that we are not defined by our thoughts.

As Psychotherapist Nathaniel Brandon suggests, we are responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which we live. If we live by values we have adopted passively and mindlessly, it is easy to imagine that they are just “my nature,” or “who I am,” and to avoid recognizing that choice is involved. If we are willing to recognize that choices and decisions are crucial as we integrate our values, then we can take a fresh look at them, question them, and revise them as needed. It is taking responsibility that sets us free. We matter simply by being ourselves and honoring who we are and what we believe and value. 

How do we find out what we value? I’ve developed (with the help of Brené Brown) a values exercise that can be found here: http://www.aspenrelationship.com/values. Stay tuned for more on ACT, values and Flow.

Jeff Cole is a licensed professional counselor, board certified leadership and performance coach, certified meditation instructor and graduate of Naropa’s Contemplative Psychology program. He can be reached at jmcole28@gmail.com.