Carroll: Strong enough for a woman
It took some time, but at last I’ve figured out why my on-again, off-again relationship with pot has been more off than on: No one has ever marketed it to my vagina. Until now.
The Aspen Times reported Monday that a product named Foria debuts Friday at Aspen’s newest recreational marijuana shop, Native Roots. Exclusively for women, Foria is described as a “THC-infused lube that doesn’t get its users high; rather, women who apply it are purported to have a much more fulfilling and enjoyable sex experience.”
It makes sense that women’s vaginas are finally getting the kind of retail love in which penises have long delighted. Oh, sure, Bic came out with lady razors eons ago and even followed up with a Cristal Ball for Her Pen — because no self-respecting female would be seen writing with an instrument lacking an “elegant design” and “thin barrel to fit a woman’s hand.” It doesn’t hurt, either, that For Her pens come in tender shades such as lavender, pale pink and orange sherbet.
But while our legs and hands have reveled in more expensive versions of the exact same products made for men, our vaginas have also been itching for some attentiveness — and a major markup. Since the only industry hotter than female private parts is pot, it stands to reason the twain shall finally meet.
Sensing there’s a nickel out there that some Midwesterners have yet to fork over to her, Bethenny Frankel is throwing her Birkin bag into the ring by adding bud to her burgeoning bourgeois booze business. Sources close to her said last week that she’ll be releasing a Skinnygirl strain of marijuana where users get all the high and none of the munchies that would place them out of her demographic — which is basically underweight, middle-age reality starlets who pose online in their 4-year-old daughters’ Hello Kitty pajamas as if that’s a thing that totally normal adults do.
Presumably, low-cal elixirs and vanilla-laced joints will be the next logical step in getting women hooked on hemp. Earlier this month, The New York Times Magazine featured a woman named Cheryl Shuman, the self-proclaimed “Martha Stewart of marijuana,” who proudly trademarked the phrase “stiletto stoners” and has plans to produce gold-plated vaporizers studded with pave-set diamonds.
It remains to be seen if anyone will pay extra for marijuana accessories that are priced sky-high even before being bedazzled. Of course, Honda designed a pink car with a highly specialized “plasma cluster” air-conditioning system designed specifically for women’s delicate skin, and a company called Pretty Useful Tools hawks a hammer adorned with either flowers or leopard print for women to “take out your frustration on something constructive and do it with style.”
Frankel’s miracle weed won’t be out in time for this weekend’s Winter X Games at Buttermilk; no, it’s Foria that will be all the buzz downtown, even if it’s somewhat puzzling why the product isn’t being unveiled instead at, say, an AARP convention.
Then again, I’m probably not the best judge of what young people are into these days. Traditionally, when ESPN’s winter-sports spectacular rolls into town, I am one Life Alert necklace away from sitting on my front lawn and shaking an imaginary cane in the air at the kids dangerously traipsing across Main Street in places other than the crosswalk and tossing their energy-drink cans in trash containers instead of recycling bins.
Yes, in West Virginia and some parts of Arkansas, I am old enough to be the grandmother to the stars of MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” TV series, so maybe today’s youth really is Foria’s target audience and I have no idea. After all, a Foria ad shows a sexy bare leg submerged in a bath filled with flower petals and quotes someone named Sarah as saying, “Oh my God. I had multiple orgasms over a 15-minute period. That, like, never happens.” Maybe so, but what will always happen when you put flower petals in a tub is a clogged drain.
If that last sentiment didn’t make a clear enough distinction between those in the Foria and X Games demographic and myself, hearing that the highlight of last Saturday night for me was watching “The Lawrence Welk Show” on PBS should do it. Then again, even I could tell that the chorus of Stepford women who sang “Adios, Au Revoir, Auf Wiedersehen” at the end of “The Lawrence Welk Show” could have benefited greatly from a spritz or three of Foria.
More at http://www.meredithcarroll.com.