Beaton: Wringing out the old year

Glenn K. Beaton
The Aspen Beat

It’s the time of year when we ring in the New Year, wring out the old one and wipe up the dirty squeezings with a newspaper column.

Fit for what?

Aspen Skiing Co. conducted employee “fitness tests.” Employees are required to do (drum roll) 15 pushups. Resting between each pushup is allowed, and knees (but not the belly) can be on the floor.

Most employees passed. A spokeswoman announced, “I have definitely noticed the apprehension level dropping.”

Whew, what a relief. Now everyone hydrate! But some failed. That’s OK, it turns out. The “penalty” for failure is they get what Skico calls “an accommodation.”

It’s like modern schools, you see. The test is so easy that everyone passes, including the ones who somehow manage to fail.

The bosses of the bus go cut, cut, cut

Citing money shortages, the bus bosses cut back bus service to the point that some Aspen workers were forced to sleep on their employers’ floors because there were no buses running at quitting time.

The bosses of the bus go spend, spend, spend

Meanwhile, the bus bosses spent taxpayer money on palatial quarter-million-dollar stone bus stops with faux chimneys, plan a multi-million-dollar, 20-bus bastion at the base of Ajax and gave the big bus boss guaranteed annual pay increases.

George W. Bush, Terrorist

A survey found that more than half of registered Democrats think that George W. Bush was complicit in the 9/11 attacks.

Don’t be surprised. Other surveys show that Dems support legalization of pot and believe in astrology.

Barack H. Obama, Comedian

A week before the November elections, the president campaigned for a Dem candidate and “joked” about how to commit voter fraud.

Like most Dems this time, the Dem candidate lost anyway.

Former Mayor, the Most Interesting Man in the World

Our active former mayor donned his spandex, rode his bike, crashed a private party, ate their food, lost a fist fight with an 84-year-old man and went home to his taxpayer-subsidized welfare condo to brag about it on Facebook. All in one day.

Stay thirsty, my friend.

So who are the “stupid” ones?

Speaking of stupid bragging, the guy who wrote Obamacare bragged on videotape, repeatedly, that it was designed to trick “stupid Americans.”

The Dems who frequently quoted him and paid him millions of taxpayer dollars said they’d never heard of him.

And who are the “ignorant” ones?

Ignorant, extremist, violent, racist and dangerous are a few of the words the media used to describe a certain group.

Muslim terrorists? Rioters and looters? The author of Obamacare?

No, no, no and hell no. The people who the media described in those terms were a loose group of nerdy suburbanites in funny hats who are smarter, better educated, more informed and wealthier than average. They call themselves the tea party.

Neighbors helping neighbors

A bumper sticker says, “A neighbor and I are angry at the cops. So we’re burning down one another’s house.”

I don’t think they’re tea partiers.

And who are the liars?

The Washington Post fact-checker awarded Obama a “Lie of the Year” award for the second year in a row. The first time was for saying, “If you like your health insurance, you can keep it.” This time was for saying the ISIS terrorists are the “JV team” and then denying he’d said it.

One more year on top, and he’ll have a regular dynasty.

Now that’s a collection!

The director of Aspen’s tax-exempt, um, “art,” um, “museum” collected a $900,000 salary (even as the city gave the, um, “museum” a $25,000 grant of taxpayer money).

That’s more than the salaries of real directors of real museums with real art collections, such as the Guggenheim.

If only they’d told

him in person

The prime minister of Israel was once a commando. He was wounded several times, including on missions to rescue kidnapped civilians. His brother was murdered by a terrorist.

In about that same time frame, a guy who is now president of the United States was a member of a dope-smoking club called the “Choom Gang” and then became a “community organizer.”

One of the more rancid drippings from the wrung-out old year is the Choom-Ganging-community-organizing White House calling the Israeli prime minister a “chicken s—.”

Fortunately for the White House, and everyone in it, the so-called “chicken s—” was two continents away at the time.

The Bold and Beautiful Bundlers and Bunglers

The president nominated as ambassador to Hungary the producer of a soap opera called “The Bold and Beautiful.” She doesn’t speak Hungarian but does speak the language of money — she bundled $2.1 million for the Dems in the recent election.

Altogether, the president nominated two dozen Dem money-bundlers for ambassadorships, including guys for Argentina and Norway who’ve never been there. One of the last acts of the outgoing Dem Senate was to confirm them.

Even Jimmy?

In two (long) years, the president will join a club much different than the Choom Gang. He’ll join the club of “Former Presidents.”

One member of that exclusive club remarked that “we waited too long” to confront the beheading terrorists that are taking over Iraq.

No, it wasn’t George W. Bush who said that. It was Jimmy Carter.

Even with an executive order, the president can’t fire Jimmy for saying that. So instead he fired his third secretary of defense for saying it.

Free Parking!

Thieves bilked the city out of about $600,000 with fraudulent prepaid debit card charges in the computerized parking meters. City employees purportedly didn’t notice the shortfall for years.

Hmm. How to steal from the parking meters isn’t exactly in the Aspen travel guides.

I’d put some people under oath, find out who did it and who knew about it, and send them all directly to jail without passing “Go.” But I have a hunch that they will instead be dealt a “get out of jail free” card.

ESPN is more interesting.

The president skipped 59 percent of the morning intelligence briefings in his first six years in office (perhaps that’s why he thought the beheading terrorists were the “JV team”).

Last week, he revealed what he does instead each morning: “I spend most of my time watching ESPN in the morning.”

No, I’m not making that up.

How about “Undocumented Pete’s”?

A small chain of Mexican restaurants on the Front Range calls itself “Illegal Pete’s.” The PC police were outraged

One manager who came here illegally but later obtained citizenship with the help of the company explained, “People come to us because they love our food.”

But in political correctness, you see, whether the food tastes good doesn’t matter; what matters is what you call it.

Bearly armed.

Some bears illegally (er, I mean without documentation) feed on the town garbage.

Government to the rescue! They’re ever watchful of our safety — when they aren’t taking our doctors away, picking fist fights with 84-year-olds, eating our food, calling us “stupid,” canceling our bus service in order to build monuments to themselves, giving our money to “art museums” that pay $900,000 salaries and stealing our parking spots.

So they want to spend taxpayer money to hire professional hunters to shoot some bears.

But it’s not the problem bears in town that will be shot. No, those bears get adoration and amnesty. The ones that are to be shot are the ones minding their own business in the distant wilderness areas.

Seeing our government “at work” makes me thankful for the Second Amendment right to bear arms, and makes me think we need to expand it to include a right to arm bears.

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