Welcome to the machine | AspenTimes.com

Welcome to the machine

Dear Editor:We thank the many thoughtful designers who entered their designs for “The Woody Creek Machine” in response to some issues of the current Pitkin County political debate. We thank first the runners-up: Bruce Berger, Hal Clark and Steve Williams. We thank also the other 137-odd losers, who know who they are.The winning design, head and shoulders above the rest, a real no-brainer for our judges, included a “black box” of classified and patent-pending nature, but since the device worked flawlessly, the judges determined that they did have to see the inner workings. Input for the device is rather like a meat grinder and it would accept virtually anything that is no larger than a loaf of bread. The output, after about 12 minutes of processing, is a cylindrical tube about 2 1/2 inches in diameter, quite dense, encased in plastic wrapping, and as long as necessary to contain all of the input.The instructions state that if words and ideas are to be added that they be baked in a Chinese fortune cookie. Non-edible inputs should be coated in mayonnaise and koshered by a rabbi if available; otherwise, don’t try them. The output of the Woody Creek machine, no matter what the input, is bologna, pure bologna! Can you feature that? No wonder the judging was so easy.While we announce the winning design, we cannot announce the name of the winning designer; the device was left on the store doorstep along with the instructions, and was signed “Anonymous.” Biff the cat had curled himself up on it dangerously close to the input. Well, here’s the challenge, Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous, come on down to claim your $100 gift certificate to the Woody Creek Tavern; the gossip is big down here that you are G. W. Butch and we need to know.George StranahanWoody Creek

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