Weekly Journal for the week of May 1 | AspenTimes.com

Weekly Journal for the week of May 1

Weekly Journal for the week of May 1

The following piece (reprinted with permission) is by my mate Barry Bortnick who is a journalist in Denver and writes under the pseudonym below… enjoy…


By Nickey Hernandez

I despise the French nearly as much as the next “homme-boy” but protesting the yellow-bellied, soft-cheese eaters for having the smarts to bake bread not war makes as much sense as buying British wine or Japanese perfume.

And yet, French bashing has been a popular sport since the Louisiana Purchase .

Mark Twain mocked Gaul more than 120 years ago by saying: “There is nothing lower than the human race except the French.”

Modern jokers savage the French for their passion with Jerry Lewis; the sad fact that one out of three Frenchmen is a professional mime, and the annoying truth that French chicks refuse to shave their underarms, legs, or a naughty bit named after the President of the United States.

The current anti-Franco pack is lead by Fox News hothead Bill O’Reilly, who spews fresh “merde” about the French nearly every day. He pimps a “Boycott France ” bumper sticker on his cheesy web site and attacks the descendants of Lafayette for letting America play the sap in the Middle East .

Why does the no-spin spinmeister have his “lingerie” in a bunch? Could it be that his mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries?

Mon dieu!

It seems as if the savage mockery of Frogland has gone on longer than The Hundred Years War, which happened to be the last time the French fought like real men.

The anti-French mantra even got to me when the Yanks rolled into Iraq while France returned to its Vischy ways and followed Germany ‘s lead. How dare Joan of Arc’s ancestors refuse to back us on a pre-emptive war meant to take down a tin-plated dictator, who posed no legitimate threat to the power of the United States !

I refused to eat their greasy fries with my Whopper; French toast was banned from the breakfast table. I even declined to use a French tickler in the “boudoir.”

I was hardly the only narrow-minded American ready to the dump a load in the middle of the Champs Elysee.

Employees at a Las Vegas radio station got on board early and smashed photographs of French President Jacques Chirac, photocopies of the French flag, a Paris travel guide, bottles of wine and a loaf of French bread.

A West Palm Beach ,Florida bar owner dumped his entire stock of French wine and champagne into the street, vowing to serve swill from country’s loyal to Uncle Sam.

The French became as despised as the Saudis, according to a Gallup poll that recorded a 20-point drop in the percentage of Americans with positive views toward the Frogs.

Further research revealed that 47 percent of those with favorable views toward France were named Marcel.

The last person to suffer a similar popularity plunge was Dick Cheney, whose ranks two points above spoiled headcheese, according to a recent Zogby poll.

Yet another recent survey showed that nearly 71 percent of Americans thought favorably of Germany . Why is it that we can forgive two world wars and still stay mad at the French?

While I’m naming names, don’t forget that Russia (birthplace of the Evil Empire) Germany (land of Nazism )Sweden (home of the world’s hottest bikini team) and Belgium (the Poland of Europe) also opposed the war in Iraq .

These loser lands all get a pass while France is treated like Uncle Sam’s ugly, redheaded, stuttering stepchild.

A Republican Congressman from Missouri got off a fine bitch slap recently when he quipped: “Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It’s not known, it’s never been tried.”

Another popular rank goes like this: “Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day — the description was, `Never shot. Dropped once.”‘

While I normally enjoy a public gang rape, in my view it is time to give the French some credit. Sure we saved their hides in two world wars, but they backed us up during the birth of our nation.

That has to count for something.

Think George Washington had it rough at Valley Forge ? Trust me, it would have been harder had the French not had our backs.

Want more? Well, remember that France sold us the Louisiana Purchase for squat. They also gave us the Statue of Liberty; opened their arms and legs to doughboys; brought nudity to the film industry; presented Brigitte Bardot au natural; and crafted the coolest sounding National Anthem on record.

“La Marseillaise” kicks ass over “The Star Spangle Banner” or anything by Toby Keith.

So the next time you want to get xenophobic, try picking on Iran , because those mothers got it coming.


Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don’t need the money.

Love like you’ve never been hurt.

Dance like nobody’s watching.

Sing like nobody’s listening.

Live like its Heaven on Earth.

It’s National Friendship Week. Send this to everyone you consider A FRIEND.

Pass this on, and brighten someone’s day.

© 2005 Tomas Gregory

Visit tomasgregory.com for personal Daily Astrology and lots of other great stuff!

Support Local Journalism

Support Local Journalism

Readers around Aspen and Snowmass Village make the Aspen Times’ work possible. Your financial contribution supports our efforts to deliver quality, locally relevant journalism.

Now more than ever, your support is critical to help us keep our community informed about the evolving coronavirus pandemic and the impact it is having locally. Every contribution, however large or small, will make a difference.

Each donation will be used exclusively for the development and creation of increased news coverage.


Start a dialogue, stay on topic and be civil.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.

User Legend: iconModerator iconTrusted User