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Watch out for Captain Insano

Nate PetersonAspen, CO Colorado

ASPEN If you haven’t noticed, there are 155 of the best 13- and 14-year-old skiers from the Rocky Mountain region and the Midwest in town this week for the J3 Junior Olympics.It’s the first time the Aspen Valley Ski and Snowboard Club has hosted the event in more than 20 years. If you’re looking for a sneak peek of the next Bode Miller or Julia Mancuso, you should head over to Highlands today to take in the final slalom.Be sure to pay close attention to the PA announcer – one of the best parts of the spectator experience.While at the women’s World Cup races in Aspen every year you get bland racing commentary about each competitor detailing points totals and the like, at the Junior Olympics you learn each racer’s hypothetical pro wrestling name, their personal interests and who they think looks hot in a speed suit.Sample commentary: “Next on course is Vail’s Abby Ghent, whose pro wrestling name is Captain Insano. Abby speaks a little French, is sassy and smart, and thinks (fill in the blank) is the hottest J3 racer.”If only they did the same thing at World Cup races when the real Captain Insano himself – Bode Miller – was on course.Sample commentary: “And here comes Bode Miller. Bode likes downing tequila shots the night before he races, partied with a playmate at last year’s Olympics, likes to play X Box in his bus between slalom runs and has a crush on the entire Austrian women’s ski team.”Seriously, World Cup racing needs a shot in the arm to attract fans over here in the U.S, and maybe this is it.Who in this celebrity-obsessed country can abstain from juicy details? Who wouldn’t like to watch the smoldering Julia Mancuso tear down a racecourse if they knew she has plans to model her own line of designer underwear? Or, possibly, that Ted Ligety is secretly a Cyndi Lauper fan?As for Bode, all that stuff above is just hypothetical. Really, it might be whiskey shots the night before races.


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