Think another country would annex the U.S.? |

Think another country would annex the U.S.?

Michael Cleverly
Aspen Times Weekly

Well, I’ll tell you one thing, no one with a name like Barack Obama is ever going to be Queen of England. No sireee, that could only happen in the U. S. of A.

There seems to be some reason for hope now, but for the last seven years I’ve been so ticked off at the American people for electing George Bush I was loudly advocating that we give ourselves back to England. I noticed British actor John Cleese wrote a piece on the same topic. I was a little miffed at his stealing my material, and I was a little ticked at the idea coming from a snooty Brit, but a good idea is a good idea wherever it emanates from.

I figure any country that elected the same moron twice wasn’t qualified to govern itself.

To this day 28 percent of Americans think the job George Bush is doing is just dandy. I’m sure some of these people are the war profiteers and corporate bigwigs he’s been making incredibly rich all along, which makes sense, but what about the others? Who are they? I don’t think I want to know.

Regarding the relative intelligence of the American people, a piece in the London Sunday Times by another Brit, Jack Dee, noted that George Bush and “98 percent of Americans believe that the world was created in six days by an American good ol’ boy named Jesus H.

Christ and that Europe (or Yurp) is a small island off the coast of Australia, near Iraq.” I pretty much agree. The stats are in and we really aren’t all that bright. I say let the U.K. tote the bale for a while and be the most hated country on the planet. They’re nice people, they might go for it and take us back. But I’m not sure they’d be interested in taking Mexico, and it seems Mexico and the U.S. are becoming a package deal.

If Great Britain won’t take us, then maybe Canada would. Everybody likes Canada and, as far as I know, they’ve never invaded another country just for the fun of it. Everyone in Canada has guns, but no one locks their doors. How the hell do they do that? Nice scenery up there, plenty of room. One potential problem with us becoming part of Canada could be that, if they’re going to adopt another country, they might prefer Mexico. Mexico doesn’t go around invading other countries any more than Canada does, unless you consider wanting to come up here to work for peanuts an invasion. It might be a better fit, Canada/Mexico.

Speaking of Mexico, I bet they’d take us. You don’t see the Mexican president, whose name I can’t recall, sending his people off to die in some stinking desert halfway around the world. Mexicans die in their own desert trying to get here. Annexing the United States would be an instant solution to our unpleasant border situation. I suppose up here we’d all have to give our maids, butlers, and gardeners a raise, but I’m already looking into a Spanish language CD franchise and I suspect that becoming a state of Mexico would boost sales considerably. I’ll give my butler a big raise. Anyway, we’ll have to wait until fall and see if such drastic measures are necessary.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t know the name of the current Canadian prime minister either. I think this is probably a good sign from the Canadian perspective. If he were a real asshole like you-know-who, then everybody would know his name. I already like him better than you-know-who, even without knowing his name. I know the Canadian guy doesn’t go around starting wars based on a pack of lies, so this makes him competent, as far as I’m concerned. The only thing I think George Bush could possibly be competent at would be something really simple, like armpit farts.

Leaders like President Bush think they are supposed to bring our way of life to every corner of the world whether people want it or not. I suppose our unfortunate situation in Iraq is based partly on our resounding success in Vietnam. The good news is that the Vietnamese people are doing just fine now, since we got our ass kicked and bugged out. Lets hope the people of Iraq can recover from our “helping them out” as well as Vietnam did. The sad truth is that it’s turning out that we’re better off having a few totalitarian governments around the world. When the Chinese leaders were in full-blown commie mode, dead-set against free enterprise and keeping their people in the Stone Age, we were paying a buck a gallon for gas. Now that the Chinese economy is booming and they’re doing business with everyone on the planet, they’re sucking up oil like happy-hour margaritas, and look where we are.

Democracy is sure to follow; too bad, we’re screwed.

I don’t know exactly when I stopped knowing the names of the Canadian prime minister and the president of Mexico. I used to know things like that; it must have happened sometime during the Bush administration. I guess I’ve been using up all my contempt on our guy, and didn’t have any left over for other world leaders so I stopped bothering to remember their names.

One thing I do know though, is that everyone’s going to remember a name that sounds like the bass-line chant of a 1950s doo-wop song: BarackObama-BarackObama-BarackObama.