The press conference: Bush vs. Mother Nature
September 14, 2005
If Mother Nature isn’t currently in hiding, she’d better get hid fast. It’s come to the attention of President Bush that she’s responsible for the devastation on the Gulf Coast. The president, in the interest of national security, is sending several groups of elite counterinsurgent troops to seek her out and destroy her. This first-wave strike force will be followed by a full-scale invasion. He has no choice. It’s clear she has WMDs.Bleeding-heart liberals who are claiming that Ms. Nature was only acting in self-defense, protecting herself from an administration bent on destroying her, are being rounded up and sent to New Orleans to “tread water ’til they get their minds right.” President Bush has been uncharacteristically candid in admitting that this war will probably take a terrible human toll. He suggested that the fact that the vast majority of the casualties will be poor and black is the only thing that takes some of the sting out of it.”Thank God this awful tragedy didn’t occur in Palm Beach,” the president is quoted as saying, “or we might have had to have gone in sooner.”As it turned out we had plenty of time to gather information, review our options and collate facts in a leisurely manner. You know, get our scapegoats in a row,” he quipped. ” Once an invasion plan and exit strategy were in place, we moved.”When asked what his exit strategy was, President Bush reflected, “As soon as this situation ceases to be a political liability, our brave young men and women will come home.”When it was pointed out that the brave young men and women actually are home, the president seemed to become disoriented and called for Vice President Cheney. A Secret Service escort led the president, muttering and scratching, from the stage. Mr. Cheney assumed the president’s place at the lectern and, responding to a question regarding the administration’s ability to manage a crisis, immediately observed what a wonderful job had been done in diverting attention from the fact that the president’s chief advisor, Karl Rove, is a traitor.”Haven’t heard a word about him in weeks,” quipped the vice president. “You bet we’ve got a team that can handle a crisis.”When it was suggested that perhaps that wasn’t the crisis that needed managing, he went on, “the president is rotating troops stationed in Iraq, whose families and homes were lost in the devastation, back to the Gulf Coast. It’ll be like a vacation for them,” he mused.”In fact, we’ll just call it a leave, then ship them back to the war – once they’ve visited their demolished homes and buried their loved ones, of course.”When questioned about the disaster’s long-term economic impact for the nation, he chortled, “How about them gas prices? I sure am glad I invested in energy stocks when I did. I want all Americans to know that I sincerely hope that every single person currently living in the Houston Astrodome owns stock in an oil company, because if they do, they’re going to be just fine. Ha ha.”When asked his views on gasoline price-gouging, the vice president darkened. “Anyone taking advantage of this situation will be dealt with most severely.”Asked to explain the difference between the corner gas station raising its prices, and the major oil companies raising their prices, Cheney fumed, “When some sleazeball gas-station owner takes advantage of the beleaguered and downtrodden American citizen, it’s price-gouging, and we will deal with him. When a huge oil company does it, it’s called THE AMERICAN WAY, and we get rich. That’s the difference, you miserable, liberal, commie scumbag. And don’t forget it.”Aides led the visibly agitated vice president to his seat.The president’s mother, former first lady Barbara Bush, then took the microphone. Bowing to the warm applause from the press corps, she flashed a disarming smile and crowed, “How about that Astrodome? Sure wish I had a nice place like that to put my cot and the paper bag holding all my earthly possessions!” she continued. “You can almost hear the roar of the crowd. You can feel the sports history that was made here. It’s not at all like the squalid s–tholes those black people are used to living in!”You know, those folks wouldn’t be in this pickle if they’d just had the good sense to not be poor.”Those present shook their heads, undoubtedly marveling at the truth of her simple, homespun wisdom.So the Bush administration is now engaged in a war of attrition, seeking out and destroying Mother Nature wherever they find her. We here in the Rocky Mountains are under siege. Mother Nature is all around us. We must be prepared to welcome the troops when they arrive, and aid them in any way we can. Contact with nature must be avoided at all costs. Those found consorting with the enemy will be considered security risks.See you in Gitmo.