The evidence is irrefutable: God is a chick | AspenTimes.com

The evidence is irrefutable: God is a chick

Michael Cleverly

No one’s ever accused me of being particularly religious. I’m a New Englander to the marrow, which suggests that my roots are Protestant, evolved from the puritans, I guess. This has nothing to do with real life, however. Despite the fact that my relationship with religion is at best passing, I’ve developed a theory and it goes something like this: Contrary to the painted images and other depictions of God created by the masters over the centuries, I’ve decided that the Great Spirit is a woman, and that’s fine with me. If I absolutely have to spend time with human beings, then I’d prefer they be women, so it’s certainly OK if God is a woman.When you hang out with human beings, and they’re males, you generally have two topics of conversation: football and females. If you hang out with women you’re going right to the source of one of those topics, which is good since your regular guy is probably never going to be spending a lot of time hanging out with professional football players. The difference here being you might be able to talk to women about more things than you can discuss with your average football player. I hope the same holds true for the Great Spirit.One of the reasons I decided that the Great Spirit is female is this: If God were a guy, then people would be getting laid a bit more (this is not an infomercial). Guys are always rooting for each other to get laid. “Hey Joe, where you been? Haven’t seen you in a while.””I was on vacation.” “Where’d you go?””Switzerland.””Get laid?” And when they ask, guys mean it. It’s a sincere hope that the buddy got laid, which is without a doubt, the most important aspect of any trip to anywhere. Sure there was scenery, historical landmarks, culture, but did you get any?It’s not the same with women. It’s not that women don’t eventually get around to the question; they’re just not as sincere, and they’re not as sincere because the answer is always the same. Question: “Did you get laid?” Answer: “I could have.”Every time. Well, I don’t doubt for a second that the gal could have – two arms, two legs and two headlights, of course she could have – but either she did or she didn’t. I happen to know that sometimes she did. I guess the polite way to put it is that women can be a bit disingenuous about such things. They get away with this because God is a chick and despite the rumors about how they talk when we guys aren’t around, chicks aren’t as concerned about their pals getting laid as guys are, and neither God nor chicks are remotely interested in whether your buddy got laid on vacation.God is female.If God were a guy the world would be a different place, a place most women wouldn’t be very happy to live in. It would be “Guyland” and the vegetables we don’t eat anyway wouldn’t even exist. We’d be totally healthy living solely on the flesh of other living things. Barbecues would occur as a natural phenomenon and all we’d have to do is find one and throw something dead on it. No one would have bothered to invent silverware. Bathing would be an annual event.If God were a guy, then things that already make sense would make even more sense. Skiing would be a summer sport. Everyone knows that spring skiing is way better than freezing your butt off in February, so frostbite and cocoa would be a thing of the past. Beer and skiing would finally go together – for real – and if it were a summer sport, people who live in warm climates could enjoy it without trekking here to bother us.If God were a guy, then football season would go 12 months a year, and not with arena football, European football or the other half-assed bastardizations they seem to keep creating. If God were a guy, then they’d go back to keeping the camera on the cheerleaders as much of the time as they keep it on the game.Further evidence that God is a woman is that God tends to punish me for the very same sort of behavior that used to annoy my wives. A lesser man might see this as evidence that the wives may have been sort of rightish on occasion, and concede a point here and there. I choose to conclude that God is just another female who doesn’t understand.If God were a guy, then there’d be no hangovers.If God were a guy, then there’d be no cell phones.If God were a guy, then there’d be no metrosexuals.God is a woman because a female God came up with couches, TVs and remotes, to keep us guys from thinking too much and getting ourselves into trouble. A big thumbs-up there.A Chick God came up with hookers and strip joints so we wouldn’t bother other women when they didn’t want to be bothered, and then made that stuff either illegal or immoral or socially unacceptable so we couldn’t get away with actually enjoying the activities associated with those things.The Chick God is good, very good.I have immense respect for the female Great Spirit. I try to remember to thank her for the good things, and I try to remember to thank her for the punishments she administers that I so richly deserve, that sort of keep me in line, sometimes.I guess I am kind of a puritan.


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