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The bear solution

Dear Editor:Unfortunately for the black bear population of Aspen, houses aren’t getting smaller, Aspen ain’t getting any bigger, temperatures are getting warmer, berries are growing fewer and bears getting ballsier!It is my understanding a caught bear is relocated and tagged. If the bear returns, it is euthanized: “The act or practice of killing or permitting the death of hopelessly sick or injured individual (as person or domestic animals) in a relatively painless way for reasons of mercy” (Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate). Bears had no problems until man came along. Now they are a “problem.”They try to feed on land that once grew vegetation for them and now has a 10,000-square-foot house with an ADU on it. So, the bears come to town. Trash the Hickory House for some ribs. Hell, why come all the way into town and settle for vegetables when you can have tasty baby-backs? I agree these bears are a problem! Sick or injured – I don’t know about that. Hungry for sure! If that bear is caught, and comes back, we will practice the act of mercy-killing on him, which eventually costs the Division of Wildlife and taxpayers money.My solution is to relocate the bears to newly acquired open space land in Glenwood Canyon. I believe it is called Bair Ranch. You know, the place that gets to continue its commercial dude ranch operations on now taxpayer-owned land that I will never set foot on. Anyhow, we sell black bear hunting excursions to the Hummer-owning, second-home owner, vacationing tourists who have “native” bumper stickers on the Illinois license plate that says SKI ZG.Fifty-thousand dollars gets you the chance to drive your Hummer off-road (for the first time for most of you Hummer owners) on some fine, western Colorado turf, and hunt a bear that has become a “problem” and needs to be shown some “mercy.” You only get three days, so come locked and loaded with your AK-47!The money can fund the Division of Wildlife and hopefully lower my taxes, so I can save more, and hopefully buy a townhouse for $300K in the midvalley that allows my dogs – because dogs are “problems,” too. I am sure we can find an ample supply of illegal immigrants to work on the ranch – you know, to keep costs low for the hunters, and so they can get their breakfast made the morning of the big hunt, since us Americans won’t work those jobs! My ass, we won’t! Norm for Prez! John NormanAspen


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