String theory proved! Bush’s brain made of string |

String theory proved! Bush’s brain made of string

Michael Cleverly

I recently read a piece on string theory. It referenced the books “Three Roads to Quantum Gravity” by Lee Smolin, a professor at Penn State, and “The Elegant Universe” by Brian Greene, a professor at Columbia.

String theory is the notion that all matter in the universe is made of tiny, tiny bits of vibrating string. So far it’s only a theory because it hasn’t been proven. Once it’s proven it will become a law. When it’s law it will be used to imprison for long periods of time people that the Bush administration suspects of thinking about committing crimes, or to hold them indefinitely without allowing them to exercise their civil rights.

United States taxpayers will foot the bill for feeding and clothing these individuals, and they will add to an already overcrowded, decaying penal system. If breaking this law is a felony, these people will never be able to vote again. Attorney General John Ashcroft can’t wait for string theory to become String Law.

Despite Ashcroft’s enthusiasm, one has to admit that the whole idea of string theory is a little hard to swallow. I mean, everything made out of string? Come on.

Unfortunately it has come to my attention that disagreeing with Republicans in itself has become illegal, so I’m going to smarten up and do what I can to back Mr. Ashcroft’s efforts.

I’m told that for string theory to work there have to be something like 11 dimensions. This cheers me up. If there are 11 dimensions, then maybe that’s where Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction are hidden. This would mean that instead of being a pack of mendacious, venal dirtbags, the Bush administration would just have its intelligence a little skewed, and could be looking in the wrong place.

This also cheers up Defense Secretary Rumsfeld. Now Don’s behind string theory big time. I want to get on his good side too. I think poor Tony Blair is currently packing his bags to go looking for those weapons in another dimension, and I’ll be sorry to see him go. I always liked him best; the least he could do would be to take George with him.

Recently President Bush has been firm and clear about how we must hand over control of Iraq to the Iraqis and scram on out of there as quickly as possible. In the arcane language of physics and string theory, this means it’s an election year and he thinks he’ll lose if young Americans are still getting slaughtered.

So far the only people who’ve been able to keep score in the war are those who own stock in Halliburton Corporation and those who have lost loved ones. If we bug out prematurely the way Bush Sr. did, then every Iraqi who supported us, who we will have betrayed, will be able to keep score very easily. They’ll be glad there are all those other dimensions, because they’re going to have to go live in one of them.

So now I’m going to prove string theory and buddy up to the Bush Administration.

Way, way back when I was a little kid, my art teacher would have us blow up balloons. We’d soak a bunch of string in plaster of Paris and then wrap it all around the balloons until they were completely covered. When the plaster and the string were dry and hard we’d take a pin, stick it through the plaster and pop the balloon. The result was a “balloon” made out of string.

Now as far as I’m concerned, if you can have a balloon made out of string you can make anything and everything out of string. String theory proved!

In this universe, where balloons made of string are possible, it’s also possible that the war in Iraq wasn’t conceived with lies and fueled by greed. It’s even possible that Vice President Cheney’s previous relationship with Halliburton had no relation to that company’s no-bid contracts in Iraq.

In the actual physics of string theory, the average size of a string should be somewhere near the length scale of quantum gravity, called Planck length, which is about 10 to the -33 power centimeters, or, about a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter. Way too small to be seen by current or expected particle physics technology, but coincidentally the exact size of George Bush’s brain.

I refuse to comment on the size of Donald Rumsfeld’s privates, but this number also happens to be the approximate size of paychecks received by working-class Americans who have lost their jobs under the Bush Administration. CEOs of major corporations have done a little better.

I think all of us, Americans and Iraqis, should keep an eye on how both string theory and the Bush Administration evolve ” the Iraqis because they might want to go live in one of those other dimensions, and Americans because, well, … we might want to go live in another dimension. Maybe we could find someone there who likes us.

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