All I want for Christmas | AspenTimes.com

All I want for Christmas

Jon MaletzAspen, CO Colorado

This Christmas stuff is exhausting. Ive been scouring the Internet for weeks I even called Australia to find my older sister a pair of UGG boots. She wouldve saved me the headache if she settled for a chocolate or stone-colored pair, but no, she demanded chestnut, which is as difficult to track down as a Bonds admission. Ive been to nearly every store in this valley trying to find a turquoise fleece for my younger sister and perfume for my mother dont worry, Im not spoiling the surprise, they dont read my articles. Sorry in advance, dad, but youre getting a Barnes & Noble gift card for the 10th straight year. I went for practicality over originality and Im tired of shopping. Ive been so busy of late that Ive had little time to consider myself. I figure now is as good a time as any to come up with a Christmas list. Trust me, the list is crucial. Neglect to distribute the list, and you wind up with a fondue set, socks and an ironing board. Apparently, my family thinks Im a 50-year-old woman. I wont make the same mistake this year. And so, I stayed up late last night compiling a record of must-haves. Not suprisingly, almost everything has to do with sports. It looks like this: Tim Tebow pajamas, a beer helmet and MacGyver on DVD (no one, aside from Clint Hurdle, has done so much with so little). Red Sox paraphernalia, which includes, but is not limited to, a Jeter drinks wine coolers T-shirt, Johnny Damon toilet paper, and a pair of Curt Schilling blood-stained socks. (I could replicate this for free, but, knowing me, Id probably slip and sever my Achilles.) And the piece de resistance? Its an 8-foot-long replica Fenway Park magnetic scoreboard. Sure, the $199 pricetag is steep, but the look on your dates face when she walks into your apartment would be priceless. Considering I havent taken a girl home since the Clinton administration, Ill be spared any residual embarrassment. Id settle for Johan Santana. A photo album. This would be a perfect stocking stuffer for Broncos tailback Travis Henry, too. But, if he has any more children, he might need a yearbook. Bobby Petrino novelty gifts. I have my eye on the Petrino disappearing ink pen (perfect for signing then reneging on contracts), Petrino temporary tattoos (I hear they vanish more quickly than expected, however) and Petrino flip flops. A Dennis Erickson space heater. This thing blows more hot air than the Arizona State coach did at his University of Idaho press conference. A Charlie Weiss heated seat cushion. Careful, the product has a tendency to get extremely hot and its a choking hazard. A bottle of Troy Tulo-whiskey. A George Foreman grill. Nothing funny here, I just think it makes good hamburgers. A Bill Belichick sweatsuit. Sure, the coach has about as much charisma as a ficus (he makes Bud Selig look like Richard Simmons), but he has mastered the art of casual dress. He always looks like hes spent the day gardening, in a work- release program or he just crawled out from under a Dumpster. On second thought, cross off the sweats; Ill go with the Patriots amateur sleuth kit instead. A Rafael Palmeiro Mitchell Report signature edition foam finger. Make your potentially perjurous statements to Congress a little more demonstrative. Michael Barrett and Carlos Zambrano Rock Em Sock Em Robots. A Kerry Wood limited edition Operation board game. Teach your children the finer points of the ulnar collateral ligament and perform mock shoulder reconstructions. A word of caution: Hit the metal sides with your tweezers, and the game is inactive for 60 days. A Terrell Owens talking doll. Pull the string, sit back and Getcha popcorn ready. Enjoy such insightful T.O.-isms as Right is right, and wrong is wrong and God may not be there when you want him, but he is always on time. Solid gold. A Todd Helton facial hair trimmer or a Barry Melrose Flowbee. Can you imagine what Id look like with a Chia Pet on my chin or, better yet, hockey hair? Or both? Well soon find out assuming I start growing facial hair in 2008. Theres no harm in dreaming. Thats what the holidays are all about. jmaletz@aspentimes.com

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