Marolt: We have noting to fear but our FOE (fear of everything) | AspenTimes.com

Marolt: We have noting to fear but our FOE (fear of everything)

Roger Marolt
Cluster Phobic

Roger Marolt

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." File that under stuff nobody says anymore. It was, apparently, about all Franklin D. Roosevelt had to say in 1932 to get elected president. At a moment in time rolling off the cliff that was The Great Depression sandwiched between two World Wars, he was onto something. Europe was decimated. Nobody had a retirement account. What else could go wrong? The Holocaust? Nuclear bombing?

Today you have to make up fearful stuff to get elected. The Mexicans are coming to rape and kill us, take our jobs, rob our houses, drive their weird, bouncing cars while drunk and speak Spanish in public. The Muslims are coming to do this to us. The Chinese are going to stay there and do that to us. The Canadians will ruin our country by selling cheap steel to us.

There is even the perverted cult of "The Deep State," whose members are rich and famous American liberals who have secretly been running the country for years, when they're not molesting babies.

Give me the good old days when sex is what sold.

Now we have ads that warn us of financial ruin if we don't use a certain brokerage firm to manage our savings accounts. Our kids will be burdened with taking care of us if we don't hire another to oversee our retirement accounts. What will happen to our families if we die without a comprehensive whole-life insurance policy?

If we took as many pills to cure everything that might possibly, eventually kill us that are advertised to us in a hour of watching television or listening to a talk radio show, we would starve to death for lack of room in our stomachs for food and water.

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We are afraid of a massive outbreak of the flu. We are afraid of flu shots. We are afraid of red meat. We are afraid of carbohydrates. We are afraid of the sun, which aside from causing skin cancer and emitting gamma rays via dangerous solar flares also is responsible for causing our own shadows. Nevermind most don't even know what a gamma ray is or can distinguish our shadows from an ax murderer dressed in black.

We are afraid our kids won't get into the right college. We are afraid of the debt they will incur going to the right one. We are afraid we won't wear the right shoes or pants to be successful. We are afraid of wrinkles and fat and gray hair. We don't know the right things to say. We aren't networking enough. We're spending too much money going out. We will certainly fail in life if we don't have the proper team of coaches and trainers and consultants telling us what our next move should be. Why? Because if any of this stuff goes wrong, we will be out of work, friends, money and will die lonely.

So, make sure you drive the right brand of minivan when the kids are young, preferably the one with the fold-down televisions in the second- and third-row leather seats. It's the only way to bring closeness to your family through adventure every time you run to Walmart to get another case of water to stock in your basement, just in case. Besides, think of the money they will save on therapy sessions when they grow up.

Don't forget about eating right. It's as true today as it was when it was non-existent. Drink purified, bottled water from the alps with the right balance of electrolytes. Buy organic, slightly green bananas. Include plenty of fish in your diet, but not too much, because you will get mercury poisoning and won't remember where you live.

Get plenty of exercise, but don't play soccer or football for fear of head injury. Don't ski or ride your bike fast. Running will ruin your knees. Swimming will kill your back. Lifting weights is hard on the joints. Tennis will flatten your feet. Come to think of it, the only way to make exercising safe is to buy the most expensive, properly designed equipment and replace it often. I read this in many magazines.

I miss the days when the biggest threat to my life was swimming too soon after eating or running with scissors in my hand. The shift to fear of everything boils down to a fear of death being reinforced to the benefit of those who want to sell us something. It appears they have us spending our lives scurrying to avoid the one thing none of us can: UNCLE!

Roger Marolt honestly believes that none of us are getting out of here alive. Call him crazy at roger@maroltllp.com.