Save us, Netflix |

Save us, Netflix

Dear Editor:A quick rundown of cinematic atrocities to come, based completely on the multiple-gag-session of trailers readily available before any and all current motion picture showings:”The Pursuit Of Happyness” – Will Smith struggles to provide for his motherless son the absolute best way he knows how: an unpaid internship at Morgan Stanley. Seriously. Smith manages heaps of bitch work under the thumb of Corporate Whitey while his son sleeps in a public bathroom stall at night. Classy. Bonus points to Smith for using his Rubix Cube skills as a means of advancement up the corporate ladder: a scene that can only be intended as a huge “screw you” toward anyone out there with a business degree.”Night at the Museum” – Seemingly not content with his status as nationwide nuisance, Ben Stiller aspires now to become a legitimate affront to natural history in its entirety. He plays a security guard trapped in some manner of haunted … Oh, I don’t even know. What breed of fourth-grader out there is seriously expected to get excited over this? How much more of this crap does Stiller expect me to stomach? “The Royal Tenenbaums” was almost six years ago, Stiller. You’re lucky I have such a forgiving memory.”The Holiday” – Cameron Diaz rides the crank of one bored-and-not-even-trying Jude Law while Kate Winslet inexplicably finds love with his physical polar opposite, Jack Black, across the Big Pond. Similarly doughy men need not find themselves inspired by the seemingly blind romance presented here: this will never happen in real life. How many of these doomed foursomes does Jude Law need to suffer through before he learns some kind of lesson about the whole thing?Oh dear. This set of gems is only the beginning. Take heed to defend yourselves. Stray not from Netflix for the duration of the season. Gordon WestCarbondale

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