Quick, turn the TV on! | AspenTimes.com

Quick, turn the TV on!

Crunch, crunch, crunch. Eh, what’s up doc? Say, look at all those people out there. Hey, ya know what? I’ve been listenin’ to all this Iraqi crud for awhile and I happen to know that old Saddam Hussein has less to do with terrorism than most people think.

How would I know? Eh, I got my ways. You think the only holes over there are oil wells?

Anyway, it seems to me that we got a much bigger foe in this war on terrorism thing than Saddam ever was. This guy has been killin’ Americans on our home soil for much longer than Saddam’s been around, all the while pretendin’ to be our best friend.

In fact, he’s what you might call the original terrorist, and he’s been harboring and creating new terrorists at a clip that would make Osama been launderin’ blush.

Who is this guy, you ask? Is it George Bush, the eradicator of evil? Is it Dick “I’ve got my finger in every pie” Cheney? Or maybe it’s everybody’s favorite patriot, John Ashcroft.

No, you idiots, it’s God himself that’s out to get us. Yeah, that’s right, the Almighty has been droppin’ us like flies all along and we even been blaming it on him, but for some reason he gets away with it every time.

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He makes Saddam look like Mother Teresa the way he’s been pullin’ the wool over our eyes all th’ time. God’s been visitin’ on us all manner of disasters, some of which make 9-11 look like my first birthday party.

There’s been hurricanes and tornadoes, earthquakes and floods, not to mention diseases and droughts to boot. It’s like we been subjected to one long terrorism since day one, and He’s got a record, too!

One time he supposedly killed off every blessed one of us ?cept a guy named Noah and his family, who must have had mixed marriages or there wouldn’t be no white folks around.

Saddam’s got nukes, well God’s got somethin’ that makes those look like firecrackers. Accordin’ to some folks, just one small one finished the dinosaurs. We could even see it comin’ and we couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it.

There’s also way more evidence that God’s been hanging out with Al Qaidee more than Saddam has. In fact I hear that Osama speaks very highly of God every time he makes a video. Worse than that, though, is the fact that God made every one o’ them terrorists, includin’ Saddam. If that’s not a smokin’ gun I don’t know what is.

I say it’s time we take preemptive action against this threat before we do anything else. So let’s point all of those missiles and guns straight up in the air, elevation 90 degrees, since that’s where heaven is and He’s always hangin out there.

That’s it, point ?em straight up there. All right, ready, aim, FIRE! Yeah, we got Him now, we’re gonna murdilize him. Ha, ha, ha, thought you could get away with that forever, didn’t you God?

We got ?im now. Huh? Wait a minit, all our missiles and bullets is slowin’ down and stoppin’. No! Now their turnin’ around and comin’ back down. Oh no! We’ll be mudelized! AAAAH, AAAAHH, AHHH. HELP THERE’S NO WHERE TO RUN! AAAAH, AAAAHHH, AAAAAA …

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And now back to our program…

AAAAAAHHHHH, KERWHAMMM! Da da da Da da da da Da da da da Da da da da Dah Dah! Th,th,th,th,th,th that’s all folks!

Mark Mixon

Glenwood Springs