Put the ‘hot’ into hot beds | AspenTimes.com

Put the ‘hot’ into hot beds

Dear Editor:Aspen City Council began deliberations Monday on new downtown development legislation that could allow new three-story buildings under certain conditions. Mayor Mick Ireland, the leader of this movement, is seeking to ban condominiums and free-market residences on third stories. He also said he wants to limit uses of third floors to “hot bed” accommodations and other “local-serving or tourist-serving” businesses.As a person who has professed on more than one occasion to be an out-of-the-box thinker, I decided to take the challenge. And I believe I have come up with the perfect combination of “local-serving or tourist-serving” businesses and “hot beds.”My solution: bordellos.I mean, nothing says “hot bed” like good old-fashioned prostitution. And it certainly meets the “tourist serving” criteria, especially during Christmas and New Year’s. And at least there’d be something to do in the offseason.I can see the dimly lit, red neon, third-story sign now on Hyman mall: “The Mind, Body & Spirit Bordello.” Of course prostitution is currently illegal, but who would have thought retail marijuana stores would be operating? And, according to a story in the Daily News, “Pitkin County officials are considering new licensing regulations for medical marijuana operations that would allow the local businesses to continue running here.”Sure, we could follow the very large pack (including countries, cities and towns across the planet that ban plastic bags) or create more water stations to reduce plastic-bottle consumption, but if we, and I mean Aspen, really want to lead and at the same time solve our third-story problem, prostitution seems to fit the bill. It will put not only smiles on the faces of hundreds of tourists but dollars in city and county coffers.Ireland told the council, “We’ve seen a lot of commercial areas deadened by residential space,” citing the darkened Mother Lode. I agree. So, wouldn’t neon signs solve that problem? I know it would create activity even if only climbing the stairs to the third floor. Yet another positive result – we would be promoting exercise.Finally, because prostitution in Aspen might get expensive, we could offer to reduce some affordable-housing mitigation in exchange for lower rates for locals. From my point of view, this idea is a win-win.God bless local government.Andrew KoleAspen