On the Diamond: Rules change | AspenTimes.com

On the Diamond: Rules change

Jon Maletz
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

ASPEN ” A teammate likened Monday night’s game to a root canal.

Since I’ve never had the procedure, I concocted a few other analogies. It was just like the time I duct taped my eyebrows (just because your friends say it’s a good idea doesn’t mean it really is). It was like watching “Weekend at Bernie’s II”. It was like being locked in a dark basement while Enya’s “Orinoco Flow” blares on repeat.

Playing defending-champion Zane’s is downright painful. It’s the equivalent of the Dream Team squaring off with Lithuania at the 1992 Olympics.

I guess that makes me Aluydas Pazdrazdis.

Really, is wearing out the plastic on your cleats as you lap the bases and running up the score against a decidedly overmatched opponent really anyone’s idea of fun? You know things are bad when some of your teammates spend the middle innings discussing blowing off softball and starting a bowling league.

Isn’t there something we could do to develop a little competitive balance? I implore the Aspen Recreation Department to consider a few new guidelines for weeding out the teams that take this a little too seriously. I have a few suggestions.

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Coed rec. softball might not be for you if:

– You are over the age of 25 and own a bat bag.

– Your team recruits former ball players (not Russian page designers who don’t know softball from bocce ball).

– You’re team’s pre-game warm-ups involve infield and outfield practice, not two Bud Lights and a handful of sunflower seeds.

– You played baseball after high school.

– You have teammates who play in the men’s league.

– You know your batting average.

– You are so adept at the plate that, regardless of the score, you hit the ball the opposite way to exploit the other team’s weaknesses.

– Your name appears at least one time in “Total Baseball.”

– You know what first-and-third defenses are.

* You’ve turned a double play and it wasn’t by accident or sheer luck.

– You look like Ben Roethlisberger.

– You tell your outfielders to “look for the cutoff and back up the infield,” not “Just try not to get hurt.”

– Your team has a designated scorekeeper.

– You own a pair of baseball pants.

– Winning is more important to you than having fun.