On Michael Jackson and Lenado militia | AspenTimes.com

On Michael Jackson and Lenado militia

Now that Patsy Ramsey has successfully brought down a space shuttle, the country is gripped in fear. The national terrorist alert code has reached paisley.

This miasma of dread spreading across the land is being exacerbated by a new revelation: There might be something odd about Michael Jackson. The nation is grappling with a moral/philosophical conundrum the likes of which has not been seen since Lt. Calley’s faux pas at Mi Lai. Is a middle-aged man sharing his bed with prepubescent boys wrong? If so, is it wronger than sharing his bed with prepubescent girls? Or is it less wrong? I mean, which is wrongerer?

As with the Calley thing, I’m sure Americans will be able to come up with plenty of opinions, most of which will prove to be profoundly insipid. Fortunately, I’m here to set things right, take the pressure off, get you in the know.

The truth is nothing happened. Nothing could have possibly happened. The reason for this is that Michael Jackson’s one nose job was not his first operation to help him hit the high notes.

Sometime in the Middle Ages a certain procedure became popular. It was developed to keep puberty from ruining the voices of the best choirboys, keep them singing soprano for the long haul.

As a guy I don’t really like to dwell on the details of this procedure for too long, especially since we’re dealing with a time long before the development of pain-killing drugs. We can only hope that they gave the lads their first jug of Muscatel before they started snipping. The boys who were recipients of the gift of the enduring high notes were called castrati.

Michael Jackson has been famous since he was a little kid; he was the centerpiece of the Jackson 5. Now show business types are not noted for good-naturedly contemplating the demise of their own careers, so the idea of little Michael growing up to be a large, hairy baritone had to scare the poop out of the Jackson 4 and good old dad. “OK, boys, hold him down.”

Years ago the author Mario Puzo touched on this subject in regards to a fictional show business family in his novel “Fools Die.” We all know how connected Mario Puzo was. Turn on the TV, take a look, listen. I rest my case.

On the home front the fear seems to have spread all the way up to the charming mountain hamlet of Lenado, land of beautiful women and strange men. Gaylord Guenin has sent out a memo canceling all scheduled BOTOX parties. He is instead focusing his energies on forming the Lenado militia.

Now from my perspective down the road in Woody Creek, there are several sides to this coin. One would be that if anyone anywhere ever needed BOTOX it’s the guys up in Lenado, so the rest of us are more than a little disappointed that Gaylord canceled those parties. On the other hand, Lenado could be a perfect staging area for a militia, since it is a well-known fact that there is enough firepower up there to arm several militias. These are fellows who go to bed at night fondling their ordnance.

On the other hand, the term militia implies some measure of organization. Now to be completely honest with you, the folks up in Lenado are what some people call “free spirits.” The countless less-flattering terms that have been used to describe the denizens of Lenado will not be referenced here. The idea of organizing these people … well, no one has ever thought of it before, let alone tried it. I suspect it would be something like trying to organize BBs on a comb.

It is not that you couldn’t get everyone in Lenado to shoot in the same direction at the same time. I am sure that with the proper inspiration you could. Just don’t try to use whiskey for that inspiration – maybe a nice mountain biker. Godspeed Gaylord in this noble endeavor.

Downstream here in Woody Creek, we’ve really been trying to keep our wits about us. Fend off the fear. I think we were doing a pretty good job of it, till this morning when it was announced that George W. Bush is a terrorist.

There on the Today Show were pictures of W, hanging out with this Florida professor who the FBI just recently slapped the bracelets on. Shots of W necking with the guy’s kid. This on the heels of released video tapes of this professor addressing Muslim rallies and saying the foulest things about the good old U.S. of A.

Listen – I’m pretty damn liberal, but this dude’s going to have a tough time convincing me that he was just kidding. So now the news that our president is a terrorist is reverberating throughout Woody Creek, and being measured on seismographs thousands of miles away. Hunter and I are starting a neighborhood watch. As well-armed as any in Lenado, we plan on being at the ready when the time comes. Of course, we are not concerned about terrorists or looters. They could never be that stupid.

It is Republicans we are on the lookout for. We know we have already been infiltrated. Their construction projects are like scat, and can be read easily. Up until now, we weren’t overly concerned. It takes a lot of Republicans to offset one Ibbotson. It’s the second wave we fear. They’re coming, we know it, and Patsy Ramsey could be with them.

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