Muscle-bound: Will Pro-NOS pump Jon up?
I used to poke fun at the supplement junkies, those guys with no necks who could barely fit their bulging shoulders through the gym doors.
They must be trying to make up for something lacking in their lives, I used to think to myself. They need to get a life.I want to apologize to all those weightlifters out there: 1) because I don’t endeavor to find out if, in fact, my foot can fit squarely in my ass; and 2) I’m more like them than I thought. The reason? Last week, soon after joining the Aspen Club, I scoured the Internet in search of the perfect supplement to assist me in my new workout regimen.
I settled on a 3-pound, $49 jug of new Pro-NOS Multi-Fractionated Whey Isolate Complex. I’m not quite sure what I bought; reading the labels and ingredients is as difficult as deciphering the Rosetta stone. Disodium phosphate, tocopherol, acesulfame potassium and silicon dioxide may be cities in Europe for all I know (I hope this is protein and not a horse tranquilizer). But the product’s assurances that I’ll get huge, get pumped and get ripped sold me – it was the only language I could understand. My goals are simple. I want to stop wearing out the microfiber cover on my futon and the track of carpet between that futon and the refrigerator. I want to be able to beat my 86-year-old grandfather at arm wrestling – I keep telling him I let him win, but I’d probably be more convincing if I got rid of these sorry excuses for biceps.I’m not looking for some BALCO supplement engineered to make my legs and arms look like tree stumps. I’m hoping my head doesn’t grow two hat sizes, like a certain major leaguer who these days looks more like a parade float than a left fielder.
I’m sure there are muscles hiding somewhere under this bulbous orb I call a stomach, and I intend to find them. I’m banking on Pro-NOS’ clinically tested and patent pending protein formula – Medical Research Institute, Pro-NOS’ creator, calls it the biggest breakthrough in more than 20 years – and a little elbow grease to get me there. The product claims that, after just a few days worth of servings (two scoops of the powder mixed with 12 ounces of water or skim milk, two times a day), my muscles will feel bigger and thicker. It’s been a day and a half and there have been no miracles yet, but I’m undaunted – and the Dutch chocolate royale flavor is delicious. I’ve been through phases before, but I’m more committed to this most recent endeavor than I ever was to playing the saxophone or Sudoku. I’m confident this product coupled with a healthy diet and the right amount of exercise will produce results. And if not, there’s always calf implants.
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Renters in Aspen are facing rent increases this year but there are resources and COVID-19 relief available on the local, state and federal levels.