Mucking with holiday movies
My Favorite Holiday Movies Ever
Jack Simon/Courtesy photo
Occasionally, my editor throws these fun little assignments at me to spice things up. I’ve been tasked with the ambiguous assignment of putting together a listicle for the best holiday movies ever. I did not want to do this, as all I wanted to do is watch new movies, ski, get tattoos, bleed, and make out. Chasing nostalgia bait down a rabbit hole is none of those things. It’s the opposite of all those things; it’s about as appetizing as getting acupuncture from a blind construction worker. But, nevermind the bullocks, here’s my holiday movie column …
I’ll dictate some guidelines and do some defining on what exactly is a holiday movie. Can it only be a movie that explicitly deals with the goings-ons like “The Polar Express?” What about the flicks that merely have it as a setting, a la “Die Hard?” Do films that use holiday festivities only to juxtapose their themes, like “Eyes Wide Shut,” count? See, the dime store philosophizing can go on forever. But to keep this within reason, we will only count the movies that use the holidays as a plot device. And by “holidays,” I mean Christmas movies, as that is pretty much all the selection that is offered. Don’t believe me? Go search “Best Holiday Movies” on the interweb and get back to me with the results. Go ahead; I’ll let you look forever.
No scores for any of these, as I am not ranking these objectively. Rankings are based on a mix of quality, spirit, and ability to make my little heart flutter. Don’t like this method? Go trip over a knife.
10) “The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause”
Tim Allen crafted the second act of his career around Christmas movies, which isn’t a bad pivot after bonding himself to families with his successful sitcom “Home Improvements.” It spawned the “Santa Clause” trilogy, the best of which is the third one where Martin Short is thrown into the mix. Delighted to be playing a campy role in a throwaway movie, Short makes the most of every moment he is onscreen.
9) “The Family Stone”
One that went under the radar, Sarah Jessica Parker plays a bizzaro version of her “Sex and The City” Carrie character in this fish-out-water Hallmark-esque story. It’s pulpy, straightforward and hits all the right buttons. Parker is great at understanding her roles from a three-dimensional perspective and does the same here.
8) “A Christmas Carol”
It would be the 2009 version I am referring to here, Jim Carry voices an animated Scrouge with all his might. Combine the stellar performance with sublime animation, and you’ve got me hooked.
7) “How The Grinch Stole Christmas”
I wish he had been able to follow through with his plan. Carrey wins again.
6) “The Holdovers”
Released just last year, I reviewed this film twice as I believed I was too harsh on it the first time. Now, a full twelve months later, it has only aged better in my head. Acting as an anti-Christmas movie, it shows the ugly side of the holidays. How they can make us feel cold and alone, but still, the film gifts us with a hopeful flare at the very end.
5) “Trading Places”
Now we’re getting to the good stuff. One installment in Eddie Murphy and John Landis’ legendary 80’s run, the movie is rip-roaringly funny from start to end. Jokes come rapidly, and while never getting the biggest laugh, you’ll sustain a chuckle throughout.
4) “Bad Santa”
Another in the vein of that anti-Christmas strain I was referring to earlier, “Bad Santa,” instead takes a comedic angle at it. Gleefully mocking holiday joy, it becomes a worthwhile commentary on what the holidays mean to the wealthy versus the working class.
3) “Planes Trains and Automobiles”
John Candy is one of the best to ever do it. Comedy, drama, whatever. Candy is spectacular here paired with Steve Martin; it would have taken an act of God for this movie to be anything short of extraordinary.
2) “Gremlins”
Spent my life wishing I could have Gizmo as a pet. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized I’m much more of a Stripe type of guy.
1) “Elf”
My mom’s favorite movie and the best distillation of purity on film. Somehow managing never to be cloying or preening or obnoxious, the film maintains its innocence while being rip-roaringly hilarious.
Jack Simon is a mogul coach and writer/director who enjoys eating food he can’t afford, traveling to places out of his budget, and creating art about skiing, eating, and traveling while broke. Check out his website jacksimonmakes.com to see his Jack’s Jitney travelogue series. You can email him at jackdocsimon@gmail.com for inquiries of any type.
