Looking to relocate to the North Pole? | AspenTimes.com

Looking to relocate to the North Pole?

In the midst of the current economic crisis that is causing layoffs and job loss, there is one place that is advertising for workers in a variety of fields and areas of expertise … Here are a few of the help wanted ads that fourth-graders at Aspen Elementary wrote recently:

STOP SANTA FROM EATING! DIETITIAN WANTED! Keep Santa from eating all those cookies. Must be able to say, “Put the cookie down, Fat Guy, and no one gets hurt.” Santa really wants to lose a couple of hundred pounds by next Christmas and can only eat fat-free food. Be his dietitian and keep him from wak­ing up in the middle of the night and sneaking into the kitchen to eat. You must sleep in the kitchen and you can eat as much as you want. Apply at North Pole Cafeteria. (Mikey)

DAY CARE ELF WANTED TO WATCH BABY ELVES! Must be able to deal with crying, screaming and whining elves. Must change diapers. Begin work at 4 a.m. when the elf parents drop off their kids. Apply at North Pole Nursery.

TOY MAKERS NEEDED! Build toys out of wood or plastic and put them in boxes or on the conveyor belt. Best part is you get a year off every three years and a trip on Santa’s sleigh to any coun try. If you like to make toys, here’s your chance. You get hot cocoa breaks and it’s free! Apply at North Pole Toy Factory. (Chris)

EXPERIENCED CANDY CANE MAKER WANTED! Must know how to dip an edible stick into a vat of flavorless taffy and twist strawberry and peppermint to wrap around the cane … let it dry for a week. Perk includes all the hot cocoa you can drink while making candy canes. You can’t mess up one candy cane or San­ta has a heart attack … and it’s all your fault. Apply at North Pole Candy Kitchen. (Lauren)

ELF THERAPIST WANTED! Must be emotional … you have to agree and disagree. You have to have a couch for your patients to sit on. You have to have patience and be even and fair when you have two patients. You get paid one cent per second. (Jeremy)

SECURITY ELF WANTED TO PROTECT ELVES, SANTA, THE PRESENTS AND MRS. CLAUS! You need to have cool shades … be over 15 and under 100 years old. Must know how to pin peo ple on the ground. Best part is you get to eat donuts when you’re not on a case. Hours are 24/7 … You have to be tough or there will be no Christmas if someone steals the presents. Apply Santa’s Workshop or call 1-888-Be-Safe. (Ruari)

ECSI (ELF CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION) NEEDS HELP! Santa’s Main Elf has been kidnapped. We need you to track this kidnapper down. Do this by trying to find footprints or other tracks of this man and get Santa’s Main Elf back. Must be trained in Martial Arts or don’t apply. Contact us at elfsecurity@hot mail.net (Matt)

COOKIE TASTER NEEDED! Need to know how to write quick ly. Must like cookies but need to be patient and wait for cookies to come out of the oven. Have to come to work everyday even when sick. The pay is 25 candy canes each week. You get a lot of sugar by cookie tasting with Mrs. Claus and all the other elves envy you. You get fat, but then you slim down after Christmas. Apply ASAP at North Pole Bakery. (Amy)

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