Headlines you won’t see tomorrow | AspenTimes.com

Headlines you won’t see tomorrow

So it’s April Fools’ Day, a date reserved for pranks, hoaxes and plenty of tomfoolery. We won’t be rolling out any phony, gotcha stories today (not knowingly at least; we’ll leave that to the veterans on East Hopkins Avenue).

We have, however, crafted a list of would-be headlines that could qualify as actual news in Aspen. Don’t hold your breath, though.

1. Elizabeth Milias vows civility, launches website titled lettherebepeaceinAspenpolitics.com. “It’s my way of giving back to the community,” she announces

2. Mayor Mick Ireland vows civility (again!) – and to take more showers

3. City Council bans all discussions about water; Says Torre: “I’m tapped out”

4. Jazz Aspen-Snowmass Labor Day Festival staff members wake up from coma, realize it’s not 1978 anymore. “We’ve discovered the post-punk era,” announces Jim Horowitz, festival organizer

5. In a letter to the editor, Lee Mulcahy declares he won’t be writing any more letters to the editor: “I think I’ve made my point,” he says

6. Andrew Kole vows not to run for president in 2012; “Maybe it’s not all about me after all,” he offers

7. Pot dispensary owner comes clean: “So what if only 5 percent of our customers need it for medicinal value? We’ve got the best buds in town and we will get you high!”

8. Wheeler Opera House gives up, lets patrons dance

9. Aspen Skiing Co. takes back everything it said about Lee Mulcahy: “I never actually thought he had an ax to grind,” says spokesman Jeff Hanle

10. Jerry Garcia is found in Snowmass – alive!

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