Gaylord Guenin: Letter from Woody Creek
August 27, 2008
It was with a tinge of disappointment that I received the news in August that the alleged remains of Bigfoot, supposedly found in the North Carolina mountains, was nothing more than a rubber gorilla outfit cleverly placed in a block of ice.
Damn it! It would have been exciting if the story had been true, if the body of a Bigfoot or Sasquatch had actually been found. I don’t know why, but I believe it would be nice if some Bigfoot-like creature did exist in the wilds of our more remote areas.
I wouldn’t want some vicious beast that chewed up the neighborhood children and destroyed ATVs that intruded on its territory (OK, it can destroy all the ATVs it wants but leave the kids alone!) In fact, it would be nice if the creature turned out to be a shy, gentle giant that wanted to help humans ” kind of like what we hope God is.
When it comes to such beings as Bigfoot or Sasquatch or the Yeti, I suppose I could be viewed as an agnostic, as opposed to an out-and-out atheist. A little evidence would help, but aside from lots of suspicious casts of supposed footprints, some fuzzy photos and some hair samples that have puzzled experts, we don’t have much to go on.
It is known that an animal similar to our Bigfoot actually did exist at one time. It is known as Gigantopithecus, believed to be a super-sized genus of ape. Archeologists came to that conclusion after they reconstructed jaw and bone fragments and molar teeth that were found in caves in the mountains of China.
According to an article in the August issue of “Mountain Gazette,” Gigantopithecus may have grown up to 10 feet tall and weighed up to 1,200 pounds. Certainly not the type of animal you would want to find rummaging through your garbage late at night. It is believed that Gigantopithecus is a distant cousin of today’s orangutans. I don’t know if there is enough wilderness around Lenado, where I live, to support and hide a Bigfoot, much less a Gigantopithecus, but I suspect we could harbor a Littlefoot in the neighborhood.
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I am convinced there is something lurking in the nearby woods. My first guess was it must be George W., our mission-accomplished president, sneaking around after dark and looking for potential places to drill for oil. Or it could be a pack of disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters, still bent on taking the Democratic nomination for president away from Barack Obama. I’m putting my money on George W., because sneaking around after dark seems right up his alley. Of course there is another possibility: Could it be John McCain poking around our woods, believing perhaps that one of his many homes might be hidden in this upscale valley? If the guy doesn’t know how many homes he actually owns, it makes sense that he may have forgotten where they are all located.
As this is being written, the Democratic National Convention (DNC) has yet to begin and it will be over by the time this is printed. But I am already a tad excited, which, considering my cynical nature, surprises me. I am not a Republican, but I also am eager to see what kind of show the GOP puts on at its national convention in Minnesota. Unfortunately, those national conventions have become little more than telemarketing schemes, an opportunity for each party to invigorate their constituents and toss plenty of mud at their opponents before the actual campaigning begins. And one has to believe that both parties will reach deep into their respective outhouses and toss more than mud before November.
But all of Denver (at least some of Denver) seems to be wetting its collective pants in anticipation of hosting the DNC, and why not? Every national and an abundance of international media outlets will be in town to cover the DNC, and that means endless shots of the lovely mountains and streams and lakes and hiking and biking trails surrounding Denver. Such exposure should make any Colorado-based entrepreneur worth his or her salt salivate out of control.
Why is it that all manner of businessmen pray for snow whenever the Denver Broncos play a football game on national TV? Because the networks almost always slip in a few scenes of skiers and snowboarders romping through the powder, which is a direct invitation to millions of viewers to come on out to Colorado and join in the fun. Apparently studies have shown that reservations at ski areas and hotels do show a jump after such TV coverage. Of course the television crews seldom if ever show shots of the traffic on Interstate 70, which would be counterproductive for the tourist industry.
The DNC may help attract some tourists to Colorado, but it is worth remembering that it was here for only four days. Now what? My suggestion is for the state’s business community to get off its fat rear end and get into the woods and find us a nice Bigfoot, or even a Littlefoot. Such a find would definitely draw visitors and their money. The only thing better would be an alien landing in Colorado but it appears that the Republicans have a corner on that market.