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Found: Wisconsin Democratic lawmaker

Dear Editor:

I found a Wisconsin State Democratic legislator hiding in my closet.

Bastard!

I was coming in to see if I could find a pair of socks I hadn’t worn more than one day and – shazaam! – there he was.

He looked as surprised as I myself must have.

But that isn’t what bothered me.

He was eating my Pringles.

Now, I am normally more on the left of things, but politics only go so far.

If he had been eating my Oreo cookies I wouldn’t have been so upset. But he went for the Pringles.

Being from Wisconsin and being raised to be at least somewhat regionally patriotic, especially where Packer games are concerned, I let him stay there. I even gave him some blankets and a large water bottle. He can use the bathroom and shower between 10 in the morning and 3 p.m., but he can’t use up all the hot water. I don’t mind him keeping some things in the fridge, but I’m beginning to think he’s been using my electric razor, which I personally find really gross.

He’s having a hard time dealing with the thin air here and the dryness. I sympathized and let him use some of my moisturizer. But there is only so much I will do. He could have gone out to Minnesota or Illinois to hide out, but NO!, he had to come to Aspen to be with all the beautiful people, the hot chicks and the mild winters.

Now I am a fairly patient person, but it is getting on to five days now and it is starting to grate on me. My girlfriend won’t come by anymore; it creeps her out to have someone in the closet only a few feet away. My neighbors are starting to suspect I am harboring illegal aliens. If he stays too much longer I am going to have to take actions I don’t care to do. FOX News has a local affiliate who I would not hesitate to call and invite them and their cameras in to catch him at an embarrassing moment for all to see on the evening news. If I am lucky they will send Ann Coulter herself over to sic him.

Wisconsin for all its hippie liberal ways has some pretty tough State Troopers I could inform who could work him over a bit in the closet before taking him away in handcuffs. It won’t bother me; I have earplugs that could muffle the shrieks.

I am sure that a few days later I would have tinges of guilt at turning him over, but a man’s home is his castle and politics are only skin deep by comparison. I would get over it. And I could always make a small contribution to the ACLU to ease it as well.

But if he doesn’t get out of here soon I will have to get a Republican on his butt.

Roger Freed

Aspen


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