Eek! Ye gods! The metrosexuals are coming! | AspenTimes.com
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Eek! Ye gods! The metrosexuals are coming!

Aspen Times writer

” What song the sirens sang, although puzzling, is not beyond all conjecture.” Sir Thomas BrowneBy Michael Cleverly”How much did that haircut cost you?” My neighbor Sue’s tone vacillated between absolute pity and utter disgust.”Fifteen dollars.” My tone suggested mild embarrassment at having paid such big bucks for a simple haircut.”My boyfriend does the same thing,” she said. “A haircut costs me $85, and you guys wonder why you look like that.”Look like what? This to me is one of the perks of being a guy – $15 haircuts. Who cares? The stuff grows, no fertilizer required. Hell, I understand it even keeps growing after we’re dead. Not that being a guy doesn’t have its drawbacks; at times it can be a bear – the countless hours spent memorizing sports facts, trivia, statistics and information that can be used to impress less than one-tenth of 1 percent of the female population. The total cash outlay in the average male’s lifetime spent on Playboy magazines and similar educational materials – no one wants to know that number, and you tell me the percentage of the female population that we can use that stuff to impress.So this guy thing is no walk in the park. On the other hand, there’s no way we want to switch places. Menstruation alone would be a deal-killer; guys refuse to even think about it. The pain of childbirth? Forget it. We think we’re tough, but no way. Actually, as far as the childbirth thing goes, women seem to have found a way of allowing us to approximate that particular agony. Those childbirth classes, the ones that go on for weeks and weeks and weeks and, yes, weeks. Those things are a subtle and diabolical form of payback … I mean sharing.These examples of womanhood are biological, laws of nature, unavoidable (wait – I guess the guy’s examples are too). With all the burdens nature imposes on women you’d think that they’d have their hands full, but no, there are also plenty of societal and cultural crosses for them to bear, and then they think of others all by themselves.This $85 haircut thing. Sue and the rest of the gals working next door in the garden (Ute City Farms ) are what I would describe as natural beauties. I’m sure that I would think that they looked just fine if they were all running around in $15 haircuts. I’m equally sure that it will be a cold day in hell before I see such a thing. These women are naturally attractive and self-possessed, requiring none of the smoke and mirrors that someone at the far opposite end of the spectrum, someone like Dolly Parton, probably needs to get herself up and running. Nonetheless, the gals seem to feel that they have to adhere to the same rituals as women who actually need all the help they can get. This is more or less self-imposed. They expect it of themselves and of each other and are pretty sure that we (men) expect it of them. Maybe we do. Of course we appreciate it, all that work. Now come these new “metrosexual” types. The definition of a metrosexual, as I understand it, is an affluent, urban, straight male who adopts grooming and preening habits usually associated with women. Dig it, I’m not talking about working out and getting better haircuts here. I’m talking beauty parlors, facials, makeup and – good God – waxing! Who knows what else, how far it has gone!My point is that women are more or less stuck with all this crap and have no choice. Guys, the ones who have never bothered to think about it, have always been deeply grateful that we didn’t have to have anything to do with this foolishness. Now we get these city boys who are volunteering for the misery.What the hell is up? Is this sort of thing all of a sudden fun for them? Do city girls expect it? Get picked up for your date by some guy all powdered, perfumed, pouffed and peeled? Ye gods, I’ve been in the woods too long. I mean personal hygiene is a fine thing; one doesn’t wish to offend, but … eek.I honestly don’t think I’ve ever encountered a metrosexual in his natural habitat. I guess technically speaking I’d have to go to a city for that. Who knows though – maybe they’re up in Aspen right now? Lurking behind closed doors by day, waiting for darkness to come, to venture out and be fetching.I guess in the end it’s really OK, harmless enough. But it would be considerate if they’d scuff themselves up a little before they come down to Woody Creek. We’re simple country folk here, and easily confused.


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