Ed Quillen: Meet the ideal, pure GOP presidential candidate
June 10, 2011
The contest for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination has already wandered far into confusing territory. People I thought would run, like Mike Huckabee and Mitch Daniels, have announced they aren’t. People I’d never heard of, like Herman Cain and Fred Karger, are running. And there are people who might run, like Sarah Palin and Rick Perry, as well as real candidates like Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty.
This abundance of names – I haven’t mentioned them all – might have come about because everybody thinks there’s a chance because the competitors are likely to stumble because it’s so difficult to consistently project the proper degree of purity.
For instance, there’s Chris Christie, the first-term Republican governor of New Jersey. He has said he wasn’t interested in running for president, but he’s also wavered from that stance. You can tell he wants to maintain his standing by the way he dodged a question. Asked whether he believes in evolution, Christie replied, “That’s none of your business.” Hmmm. Does he believe in gravitation?
Christie hasn’t been in office for long, which means he doesn’t have to apologize for a lot of old heresies, like supporting health care for all, promoting public education, or favoring action to reduce greenhouse-gas emissions.
Come to think of it, the Republicans are going to have a hard time coming up with a candidate who’ll pass all the party tests for purity and piety, so maybe it’s time to invent one: Pat Fundament, who will now take questions.
Q: Do you believe in evolution?
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A: I try to keep an open mind, but I’m still not convinced. Like Thomas Jefferson, I believe it is tyrannical to tax people to support beliefs that they oppose. So once elected, I intend to close down the U.S. Geological Survey, which puts out maps indicating a belief that the world is much more than 6,000 years old, as well as all national parks and monuments that feature fossils or rock formations alleged to be millions or billions of years old.
It’s one thing if the private sector wants to promote a secular viewpoint, but it’s not something the government should be doing with money it collects from hard-working people who don’t happen to agree with these theories.
Q. How much more tax relief do Americans need?
A. Not everyone deserves tax relief. I’ve read that 51 percent of Americans do not pay federal income taxes, and fairness demands that they be brought into the system. As for the top 1 percent of Americans, those who create jobs for limo drivers and yacht tenders, we should take immediate steps to reduce their burden.
Q. Some have said there’s a looming crisis in funding for Social Security and Medicare. How would you address this?
A. In the process of taking our country back, we must look to the Bible for guidance. Psalm 90:10 tells us, “The days of our years are three score years and ten.” So we could save trillions and abide by the scripture by cutting off all benefits at age 70.
Now, that verse goes on to point out that some, “by reason of strength,” may get to “four score years,” but that’s a personal trait and not a proper concern of government.
Q. That sounds rather harsh. How does that square with your oft-expressed belief in a “culture of life”?
A. As you should know by now, our pro-life movement does not concern itself with life after birth.
Somewhere in this great country of ours, the Republicans should be able to find someone pure and pious, someone like Pat Fundament, to run for president next year.