Busting religious myths
July 13, 2005
It looks like the misdirected meatheads facing Mecca who believe Mohammed flew into heaven on a winged horse and the holy rolling wingnuts of the west that believe Jesus rose from the dead are going to continue to fight each other to the death (again), except for maybe when they take time out to fight the Jews to the death (again), who by the way don’t believe Jesus rose up from anywhere or that suicide bombers end up in paradise with 72 virgins. Though I have been told by some of my Jewish friends that they wouldn’t mind handing over a few 72-year-old virgins if it would change a bomber’s mind.
If the above in-the-name-of-god war is getting old we can flip our personal Kabala channeler to the Hutus Tutsis massacre or the Sikhs vs. Hindu Bowl or the Irish Catholic Protestant blood pageant; we might even be able to still get some late night reruns of the Turkish Armenian slaughter or possibly the latest Kurdistan revival of same ” stay tuned.
Forgive me if I’m mixing up the crusaders for Christ with the Jihadists for Jerry Lewis or the rabbis with the mullahs or the prophets with the pudd-pullers, but I’m working off an old parchment scroll program written in blood so some of the words, like peace and love and forgiveness, are hard to read. But I do have a few newsflashes for the religious warriors out there. Jesus’ mother wasn’t a virgin. Cows are not sacred. Mohammed’s horse can’t fly. The rivers in heaven are not full of honey. There is no tooth fairy or any science in Scientology. Thor’s hammer doesn’t make thunder. Zeus doesn’t live on a mountain. Apollo is a space program. If you’re a Leo you aren’t necessary courageous, intuitive or kind. Pat Robertson can’t heal the sick. Catholics confessing to a priest doesn’t forgive sins. Jews are neither cheap nor chosen. A higher power isn’t hard at work keeping drunks sober. Singing to trees doesn’t make leaves greener. Fish can’t think but they can smell.
Vishnu statues make great doorstops but won’t hold open a door to heaven. Satan is hockey player (first name is Miroslav and he plays for the Sabres). The only life after death is what consumes our corpses: bugs, maggots and bacteria turning everything we once were back into what it once was ” dirt, basically.
I know it is freaky and bold and scary to discover that the 2,000-year-old myths we have been using to run our world are insane and impractical and preposterous, not to mention gruesome, bloody, merciless, horrifying and untrue; but by any measure of the evidence, they are. We are killing ourselves with ridiculousness.
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So here are a couple of thoughts that might keep us from annihilating each other: good works and a philosophy of generosity are generally good things; and tolerance, forgiveness and humility make us better people; and, oh, yeah, don’t kill anybody.
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