And what is the competition is offering?
OK, I have to come clean. This column is a sleazy, venal ploy to squeeze some yummy Aspen Times column dough out of a piece no one else would print.In the interest of full disclosure I’ll tell you what happened.When The Woody Creeker magazine was conceived, the editor called me and asked if I’d like to contribute something. I said “sure” and ultimately came up with the piece you see below. After I sent it to the Creeker, I called to make sure everyone understood that I was only kidding. I was told they got it and were going to run it. The day the Creeker came out I got a call and was told they didn’t have room for my piece and maybe would run it in the next issue. I said “fine.” Then the editor said the owners of the magazine didn’t want to run it because they felt that I was attacking my neighbors. I concluded that if the piece was an attack on the neighbors this month, it would be an attack on the neighbors next month, and would probably never run in The Woody Creeker.Attacking my neighbors honestly was not my intent, but then again, if you can’t attack your neighbors, who can you attack?”CREEKER” Quakes at CompetitionI’d like to take this opportunity to thank Anita Thompson and the entire editorial staff at The Woody Creeker for asking me to come aboard this premiere issue. An honor, bestowed only on people “listed in the phone book,” is my understanding. It’s exciting to be part of something new! Everything belongs to the future. Everything is possible. It’s in this spirit of optimism that I’d like to make an announcement of my own. Since I’m already inches away from having my Woody Creek Passport revoked, I’m hoping it will be met with a measure of compassion. I’m starting my own magazine. Two of them actually.Ever since news of the creation of The Woody Creeker hit the papers, I’ve been besieged by calls and e-mails from folks in neighborhoods up and down the valley. They want to know if a “sleazy rat hole” like Woody Creek can have its own magazine, why can’t their neighborhood/subdivision/enclave/gated community have a magazine of its own? The answer is, why not? To this end, I’ve created The Red Mountaineer and a sister publication, The Star-Woodie. Both will be published by We’re Rich and You’re Not, Publications LLC/LSMFT.Like “The Woody Creeker,” these mags will reflect the interests, and report on the wild exploits, of these enclaves’ wacky residents (homies). “When Did My Neighbor’s Hummer Make My Rover Déclassé?” and “My Dun and Bradstreet Has Fallen and I Can’t Get It Up” are the sort of informative and provocative articles that our readers can look forward to. We’ll track the comings and goings of the rich and richer and take intimate looks at residents’ personal lives and their wives’ recent plastic surgeries. Apart from this, my magazines will bear little resemblance to The Woody Creeker. Anita will be working from a dank cellar at Owl Farm, cranking the Creeker out on duplicating equipment salvaged from some long-defunct commie cell that Joe McCarthy himself probably busted. The Red Mountaineer and The Star-Woodie will be printed on handmade paper that will then be gold-leafed and bound in tooled leather. The Creeker is going to be a handout. The Mountaineer/Woodie will have a cover price. Don’t worry, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Unlike The Creeker, the Mountaineer/Woodie will actively seek out advertisers. Of course only the “right” sort of businesses need apply. Anything remotely associated with Woody Creek should forget about it. If you need to ask our rates …To further separate my ‘zines from the pack, we will have centerfolds. We’re thrilled to announce that none other than Kenneth Lay has agreed to be our first gatefold. In what we consider to be a groundbreaking move, we’ve pirated the technology that allows your Christmas card to bleep out a little carol when you open it. When you open our centerfold, Ken, in his own voice, will once again explain why you, and not Ken, are responsible for the Enron collapse. This sort of thing, along with getting to see Mr. Lay in the altogether, should enable us to crush the competition. So, let us move forward, and in the spirit of friendly rivalry, good luck!Complaints and threats can be sent to my suite of offices at The Aspen Times Weekly.
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Normalcy will be few and far between this ski season, so Aspen’s Simi Hamilton’s traditional slow start brought a sense of calm to a world that’s mostly in chaos at the moment.