Writing Switch: WAPper’s Delight

Our brainstorming session for this column started with an idea for a “guy parody” of that “WAP” song, but after reading the lyrics it was immediately apparent we certainly wouldn’t be able to make it any funnier — especially in a family-friendly publication such as this. Besides, what would we call it, “BAD”? ’Cause it would be. But when you already have so many verses written and it’s 1 a.m., you just gotta take it from the top, make it drop, and put some macaroni in a pot. This week we get a bucket and a mop and show off our drippy poetry slop.

‘Roses Are Red, Is That a Stripper In Your Bed?’

SB: Roses are red, violets are blue,
It doesn’t matter if you’re a soon-to-be groom,
There’s no sex in the Champagne room.
I don’t care if you over-tipped her,
Seriously man, she’s just a stripper.
I won’t be your spotter,
Not being an accomplice to your appearance on the police blotter.

‘When Jaws Unhinge’

BW: Here I stand with a rake in my hands
A hoe on the ground and I’m ploughing the land
Trying to sow my seeds for some plants
When a snake slithers up and crawls in my pants
A problem with being a farmer
Occurs when you’re not a snake charmer
It’s probably a cobra but might be a garter
And you’ll have no choice but to harm her
I feel its strong jaw bite of venom
Cuz a reptile’s wandered up in my denim
So I grab my tool and swing like a fool
Thinking it maybe would end him
The last thing I’ll have in my visions
In this tale that reminds you of Dickens
As time runs out on the clock
I yell ‘not my hens or my cock!’
But the snake swallows all of my chickens

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‘Motivation’

SB: Basketball shorts, T-shirt, TV
A podcast plays, I delay
Cold man, cooooooooold MAN
Should I wear a sweatshirt?
Do I need my powder skirt?
Smoke fills the air,
And me with despair.
Tis nobler to get that 100th day?
Or snowboard my way?
I don’t want to stay home.
Someone please answer your phone.
But, hey, even if we freeze,
We can come home and make a grilled cheese.
Motivation
MO-TI-VA-TION
MO-TI-VATE
MO-TIVE VA-CATE
MOVE VA-CATE

Haiku: ‘One with the Trees’

SB: The smell of ganga
The bleezy beckons to me
“Smoke weed e’ryday”

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Haiku: ‘Animalistic Behavior’

BW: Dog taking a sh-t
Are you going to clean that up?
Pretends not to see

‘There’s more than one way to call you pretty’

SB: A compliment’s complimenting until it’s not,
Even with transfixing beauty,
There’s more to you than being a cutie.
Though I can’t stop staring,
What’s more beautiful is you’re caring.
And I’ll call you pretty every day,
But I really should let you know I love you in every way.

‘Romance in a vacuum’

BW: Light flirtation, pendant and parameter
Slight exhalation, divide width by diameter
He might get caught, but that’s OK cuz he’s a gambler
“I love how you do that,” he says. “Thanks, I’m not an amateur.”
They sneak out of the library and leave it for the janitor

Diss Track

SB: Rhyming insults is dumb,
Wasted on me because I’m comfortably … not doing this exercise
Now here’s a definitely not cringe-inducing verse from Ben Welch.

BW: My flows are sick, they’re like cloudy urine
And you’re soft and fake, like the Shroud of Turin
Yeah I’ll take you to church, you can call me the rector
Cause I’m coming for ya, bum, you’re gonna need a protector
My rhymes are popping off, like goop from a pimple
Your lines are dropping off, why do you make it so simple?
I’m bursting with energies, hanging out with Gwyneth Paltrow
If you don’t believe conspiracies, can I really be your pal, bro?
Nobody rocks a fit like this and looks as dope as me
You’re shopping at Marshall’s while I’m sporting a Nike tee
Yeah I’m a hype beast but not like any of this Mathers
When I retire they’ll have my jersey hanging from the rafters
I’ll defeat you at anything cuz your strat is too greedy
I return the kickoff, turkey wing and flash my TDs
I’m going for the knockout, got you on the ropes and woozy
I’ll dash all your hopes while you’re searching for your koozie.

bwelch@aspentimes.com
sbeckwith@aspentimes.com