Writing Switch: I’m with Cupid
The dating landscape for Sean and Ben looks very different these days. While Sean has been in a monogamous relationship for the past several years, Ben has been practicing, uh, monongamy. Nonmogony?
Ben has unabashedly brought up a few times that he enjoys swiping on the apps, but that’s all he enjoys since he never gets matches or messages. It’s like walking out of a Goodwill supercenter sad and empty-handed, like, couldn’t you at least find a trinket? How embarrassing.
It wasn’t always this way: he was once young, eager-eyed and attractive; now he’s whatever the opposite of all that is. Lethargic, grizzled and depressed? What could have possibly gone so wrong in the past 425 days?
It’s like when you take a vacation for a few months and come back to your desk and can’t remember any of your passwords or, for that matter, how to turn your computer on or even what the purpose of your entire existence is.
Anyway, this week we give Sean the opportunity to dust off his pickup line-writing chops and Ben to rehash old, failed ones as we reimagine the seductive openers of various personalities, real and fictional.
- T-Rex: You know what they say about a dinosaur with little arms, right?
- The Count: How many dates before we mate? One? … Two? … Three? … Four? … Five?
- Darth Vader: Jessica, I just want to reassure you, I am not your father.
- Donald Trump: Hi, I’m Donald Trump, is this like Twitter? This is the only social media I have left. Vote Trump-Lucifer 2024: Make America Hate Again.
- Missouri Heights resident: I don’t know about you but something about denying autistic children a camp really gets me going.
- Hamburglar: McDonald’s doesn’t give me speaking lines because I’m a felon. However, I’m smooth like butter, baby. Steal your heart and your quarter pounder.
- Any girl starting a conversation on Bumble: Hi
- Cardi B to the world: I want that Mack Truck parked in this little garage.
- Lucifer: Hi, just wanted to drop this unsolicited picture of my penis in your inbox. Also, vote Trump-Lucifer 2024.
- Bro bra: Hey, that’s a dope tattoo. I’m thinking of getting this tribal sleeve. It sounds douchey but it’s totally not. #getinked
- Kevin Spacey: Shit, this isn’t Grindr.
- Whoever sings out of Hall or Oates (or a bro bra): I … I-eye-I … I’ll do anyone that you want me to do … but I can’t got for fat. NoOo, can do. I can’t go for fat. Can’t go for fat, can’t go for fat.
- Michael Jackson: Nope, not going there. But you can’t tell me you didn’t think, “Oh, shit, Sean is about to get fired” when you read the name.
- Pepe Le Pew: Hi, I want to start by saying I’m not the same guy from Looney Tunes. I didn’t want to take a role as a French serial rapist, but there just aren’t a lot of acting gigs for skunks out there.
- Early “Mad Men” Don Draper: You haven’t felt love because love doesn’t exist. What you call love was invented by apps like Tinder to sell ads. You’re born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts, but I never forget. I’m living like there’s no tomorrow because there isn’t.
- Later seasons “Mad Men” Don Draper aka sex addict Don: Probably a “Hi, how are you?” followed by a not-so-eloquent/drunken compliment followed by an explicit photo.
- Guy to MAGA girl: We should hook up to own the libs.
- Ben Affleck: Oh, damn, J-Lo, back swiping already? What happened? The juice ruin A-Roid’s baseballs?
- J.R. Smith: You trying to get the pipe? (That one is real.)
- Colonel Sanders: OK, that’s enough with the fingers.
- Sir Lancelot: Looking for a unicorn.
- Ash Ketchum: I know we’re supposed to catch ’em all, but syphilis especially was a doozy.
- Bob Baffert: We don’t call it “cowgirl” anymore; they’re professionals and the appropriate term is “reverse jockey.”
- Oscar the Grouch: Now those are some cans I could live in.
- Chris Hansen: Why don’t you have a seat right over there? *points to lap*
- Russell Westbrook: I went for 26, 18 and 21 last night. No, those were their ages.
- Baphomet: This will not be a kid-friendly event. (This one’s bad, sorry.)
- Shaggy: I’m not British, but I didn’t get this name because of my hair.
- Dog moms: *screams at dogs for doing normal things like playing and chewing on sticks*
- Cain and Abel: Hey ma.
- Willy Wonka: *pulls up in white van* (or was that “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”?)
- Poseidon: I love you but I can’t kiss you because, well, it’s on Urban Dictionary, look it up.
- Melinda Gates: Leo. Not looking for hookups, FWB or to be your third. No time for games, don’t ask if I want to “grab a drink” right away. Future billionaire #GirlBoss. Yes the children in the pics are mine. If you’re holding a dead animal, swipe left. If you’re not at least 6’3″ see ya, sorry not sorry. Just got out of a long relationship. I’m never on here so follow me on Instagram or Snapchat. All superlikes are accidental. Good vibes only. “The Office” and tacos <3
- Bill Gates: I used to be Microsoft but now I’m Gigantahard.
- Chris D’Elia: Thanks for coming to my show. (That one is real)