What you need to know from Aspen’s top fake news team
Ahh, April Fools Day: The one time per year more people pick up the competing newspaper rather than The Aspen Times.
Since our paper is all things serious all the time, we’re using our Writing Switch platform here to create our own The Onion-styled local stories to celebrate jokesters’ high holiday.
City investigating validity of studies with new study
SB: The city of Aspen announced a new study during a City Council meeting Monday. With the backlash from the failed traffic study, the city is looking to gauge the effectiveness of its studies.
“We just want to figure out if the cost of the studies is worth the result,” Mayor Steve Skadron said.
The city’s planned Duck Day Derby study to determine the event’s environmental impacts will be put on hold.
“This new study will illustrate how the city’s money is utilized during a study,” City Councilman Adam Frisch said.
The city plans to hire a head-hunter to find a firm that studies studies. Councilman Bert Myrin was the lone dissenting council member.
“Am I the only sane person in this room?” Myrin asked, visibly frustrated. “Spending money to determine how we spend money is insane.”
When asked about Myrin’s comments, Skadron referred to a study conducted last year to determine the effectiveness of Myrin’s comment at City Council meetings.
“Last year’s study showed that (Myrin) commented on 75 percent of City Council issues, with four of every five comments coming in negative. It was shown that the more criticism levied, the less effective it was,” Skadron said.
However, other members of City Council were on board.
“Listen, I’m not really sure how to use Excel. So for me, when a bunch of numbers are presented, it’s nice to be able to have an expert come in to tell me what they mean,” Councilwoman Ann Mullins said. “It’s really convenient to let decision-making fall to people not elected by Aspen voters.”
Aspen resident Ruth Harrison attended the council meeting and left depressed.
“It’s … well, how do I put this, a s— show,” she said.
The study was approved 4-1 with Myrin the lone dissenting vote. The city plans to discuss hiring head-hunters at its next scheduled meeting April 31.
In other council news:
The city announced a moratorium on affordable-housing development Monday due to the complexity of the issue.
“Someone is going to have to explain to me how cash-in-lieu payments work. We collected all this money and want to spend it,” Skadron said.
City Councilman Ward Hauenstein brought up possibly revising the land-use code.
“In this day and age, I’m not sure Aspen can accommodate people making less than $30,000 a year. If they can’t afford to eat at restaurants in town, should they live here?”
The moratorium is indefinite and council plans to revisit the issue after the 2020-21 ski season.
Aspen Brewing Co., lodge owners already fighting over taproom plan
BW: After failing to secure the Old Power House location for its taproom in 2016 due to whiny second-home owners, the Aspen Brewing Co. is determined to take over the former ski museum location that closed after nobody visited it.
A powerhouse duo themselves, Duncan Clauss and Klaus Obermeyer formed an LLC, called Sons of Santa, after bonding through nothing other than a similar name. The owner of Aspen Brewing Co. and the revered clothing mogul have submitted a proposal for a restaurant, retail space, bar, fitting rooms and strip club to occupy the vacant Skiers Chalet building in the Lift Two corridor.
The building was once home to the Aspen Skiing Museum, which was approved in the 2019 election by 26 idiots who couldn’t figure out how to fill in their ballots. But the museum has been empty for years as most people staying at the Gorsuch Megaplex Extravaganza Circus Circus concentrated more on getting drunk and not tearing an ACL than learning who Dick Durrance was.
“That Supreme Court guy’s brother was supposed to revitalize this area,” said Obermeyer, who recently celebrated his 127th birthday and won X Games silver last year. “But he didn’t expect people to not care about the history of pole planting.”
The contingent is facing staunch opposition, though, from Lift Two Lodge owners who are never there and only able to rent their places through Airbnb during December for the Artificial Snow World Cup and Ice Carving Contest (This year, phenom Eilish Composte, 13, is two wins away from matching legend Mikaela Shiffrin’s
“We don’t want any more ‘vibrancy,’” said Lift Two Lodge HOA President Rusty Thrustwell. “We’ve been enjoying the solitude now that everyone realizes how boring this side of the mountain is. All the noise of a few people drinking beer will destroy our way of life. And where are they going to find the strippers? Rifle?”
A new mobility lab project sponsored by the city has suggested using Amazon drones to fly the strippers in past the roundabout tollbooth to expedite travel times while seasonlong construction to narrow the Castle Creek Bridge is ongoing.
SATIRE IN SHORT
Myspace profile proves councilman has been living a lie
While performing a background check on a recently elected city councilman, an Aspen team of data miners have discovered Skippy Mesirow isn’t the socialite’s real name after all.
Using the Wayback Machine, miners unearthed Mesirow’s old Myspace page rife with duck-face selfies and exposing his true identity: Jif.
Around town, locals with Aspen Young Professionals and at the hair salon were devastated by the deception.
“What’s next, we’re going to learn Torre’s real name is Ronald?” sighed one barfly, who only wanted to be identified as “Peter Pan.”
When confronted by journalists, Jif Mesirow offered no comment, but that could have been because his lunch was stuck to the roof of his mouth.
Aspen Skiing Co. announces new attraction at Snowmass Ski Area
In its effort to increase summer business, Aspen Skiing Co. said a new feature is coming to Elk Camp this summer: elk rides.
“We were concerned about the elk herds affecting guests’ experience and decided they’d be better under our control,” Skico spokesman Jeff Hanle said.
A U.S. Forest Service environmental assessment showed some concern with the proposal.
“Elk are extremely dangerous animals. It is hard for us to put into words how much we oppose this idea. People will literally die,” the assessment said.
In a statement announcing the attraction, Skico said “the potential financial gains from an increase in ticket prices” outweigh risks outlined in the assessment.
Skico President and CEO Mike Kaplan called the Forest Service’s concerns “sad and disheartening.”
“For them to be spending time drafting this assessment, I think, is sort of ludicrous.”
Isis Theatre no longer causing panic attacks among visitors after caliphate’s defeat
Employees at Aspen’s movie theater say they’ve received a downturn in complaints about the establishment’s name now that the Islamic State has lost its hold on the Middle East.
For years, tourists could be seen taking photos, pointing and laughing at the Isis Theatre’s facade or gasping and immediately posting to Twitter and grandstanding about oppression. But now that President Donald Trump has declared the insurgency 100 percent eradicated, people no longer seem to mind.
“He’s just the Greek god of the sun, I think,” said Owen Slaparooni, a mythologist from Texas. “I don’t see what the big deal is.”
Area woman found despondent after late spring snowstorm
A Roaring Fork Transportation Authority bus driver reported that a woman refused to leave his bus after more than 8 inches of snow fell during her ride from the Intercept Lot to Rubey Park.
An officer from the Pitkin County Sheriff’s Office was called in and was able to coax the woman off the bus.
“I told her she had to get off the bus but she refused. She kept saying she was too cold and wanted sunshine and to go to the pool,” the bus driver said.
No charges were filed. Sheriff Joe DiSalvo said this kind of behavior happens during long winters.
“It’s unfortunate but it happens. We recommend people drink a margarita or make a trip to the hot springs during winters with heavy snowfall,” DiSalvo said. “It helps stave off cabin fever.”
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