Libations: Stumble around the estate with a Southern Gentleman
Does a drink count as an “old family recipe” if I invented it six years ago? I’m part of my family, after all — an integral part, some would argue.
By happenstance I got my first big boy job around the same time Four Loko went the way of the dodo, and missing the old standard of getting completely blitzed off of two drinks, I decided to come up with a new tradition.
So after a full day of browsing bartending subreddits at work, I ventured over to my local Hy-vee (you can buy alcohol at grocery stores in Nebraska because they’re not a bunch of Puritans over there) to splurge on ingredients for the ultimate cocktail.
A word to the unwise: One of these will get you going. Two, and you may not wake up until you’ve scaled half of the art museum, and that’s not a situation you want to be in and suddenly realize you need to be sober. But it tastes pretty good, kind of like a jungle juice for grown-ups, and who am I to judge why you need to go from 0 to 60 in 3.5 seconds? That’s the Aspen Idea, right? Mind (gone), body (malfunctioning) and spiritsssss.
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OK, disclaimer’s out of the way; let’s start. First you need a protein shaker and I know y’all got one of those lying around. Drop a few ice cubes in because that small percentage of water might be what saves you. You’re gonna wanna put in a two- to three-second pour of moonshine. Yes, I’m serious. I also am not going to lay out things in ounces and liters and whatnot; you’ll have to play by sense of smell, like the Pinball Wizard.
Next, add at least that much — if not more — Southern Comfort. The caramel really rounds out the harshness of the moonshine and adds some flavor beyond nail polish remover.
Top it off with a generous pour of Deep Eddy Peach vodka. If you think about it (and you should), the Deep Eddy and SoCo are so light, you’re basically just chugging a delicious version of turpentine. Al Capone and Calvin Candie would be proud.
Finally, fill the rest of the container with ginger ale. If you did it right, this should be somewhere between half and two-fourths of the shaker. Squeeze a nice squirt of that Realemon on top and jiggle the daylights out of it. Now bring it with you to the gym! Voila, discretion!
I’ve seen a tank of a man struggle to stay coherent and average women turn into Rapunzel. Again, it’s none of my business why you need to drink this much, but I’m obligated to write one of these and my Four Dogs delivery order was placed too late for what I originally was going to talk about, so here you go: a Ben family secret — the Southern Gentleman.
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