The footnotes in my head | AspenTimes.com

The footnotes in my head

Barry Smith

It has recently come to my attention that, as the result of a long string of formatting oversights, the footnotes I use to round out my column have not been appearing in this space.Please bear with me for the next few weeks while I present the unpublished notes and citations which I believe are so important to the integrity and readability of “Irrelativity.”Today’s batch of overlooked citations correspond to columns printed between January and April 2006.1. From “The Medieval Roots Of Rap,” Johnson, page 326.2. As uttered by Mahatma Gandhi after hitting his thumb with a hammer while attempting to build a Jacuzzi in his game room.3. He just THOUGHT he was Napoleon. Get it?4. Of course she had a lot of déjà vu experiences. She did the same thing every day on the assembly line.5. It was not your usual road repair. They appeared to be installing deep shag carpeting in the HOV lane.6. Ibid.7. I think what the guy actually said to me was that I should go “duck my shelf,” which is more than likely a woodworking term. I was running away too fast to get the full details from him.8. This saying is originally credited to Socrates, but it was really brought to the public’s awareness by Soupy Sales.9. The lyrics to “Kooky, Lend Me Your Comb,” shown here in their original Sanskrit, are believed by some to be Satanic in nature and intention.10. Taken from one of the catalogues dedicated to presenting things I can’t afford.11. For a few days I really thought I had realized my ultimate destiny to fulfill biblical prophecy. But then they called back and told me there had been a mistake. True, they said, my name had been discovered printed in the Holy Bible, but it was right under the part that says, “This Bible presented to:” Still, it was an exciting few days.12. I was moving my hand up and down, like a young boy stuck in the back seat of a long road trip, trying to get a passing trucker to blow his diesel horn.13. The letter used here, “P,” was originally spotted on the side of a hill in the town of Pipsville, Ohio. It was painted white, and very large.14. A good case for a federally subsidized sedation program.15. This does not even begin to describe the horror of the inadequate condiment selection.16. Originally coined by Jesus of Nazareth, but made all “hip” and “now” by Nipsey Russell.17. Shedworld.18. This gives new meaning to the Latin “Res ipsa loquitur.”19. In all honesty, I never knew the old meaning of “Res ipsa loquitur.”20. One of the lesser-known side effects is you can’t stop looking at people while they’re welding.21. From “Why Certain Things Smell Good to You, but Not to Anyone Else, andOther Discussions You’re Afraid to Have,” Simon and Schuster, 2004, page 107.22. Ibid.23. This restaurant didn’t have fortune cookies, but instead brought ancient earthen pots to the table, and you would crack them open and remove the delicate, thousand-year-old scrolls inside. I don’t think I tipped enough.24. Johnson, page 261.25. Damaged was the part of my brain that stores “Gilligan’s Island” plots, but the arrow just missed the part that knew the lyrics to the theme song. 26. Aqua Velva.27. Ibid.28. The spiritual equivalent of a Post It note.29. Actually, I said, “I’ll be right out, Sen. Feinstein. I think there’s another one upstairs on the left if you’re really in a hurry.”30. This was a sharp contrast to their previous county motto: “Buy Something And Get The Hell Out!”31. Quesadillas and a chocolate shake.32. The kind of riotous adventure that means John Wayne.33. If his claims are true, then the news should be spread abroad. However, should his claims be false, let them be refuted once and for all, lest him and his followers receive the wrath and fierce indignation of God34. Simply because it is clean.Next time: The unpublished “Irrelativity” bibliography.Barry Smith’s column appears on Mondays. Read more on Barry’s blog, http://www.barrysmith.wordpress.com

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