Barry Smith: Turning SPAM swarm on its ear | AspenTimes.com

Barry Smith: Turning SPAM swarm on its ear

Barry Smith

Ever find yourself standing in a swarm of bugs with no shelter in sight?

Eventually you just give in, deciding that the only way to survive the ordeal is to pretend that bugs AREN’T buzzing and crawling all over your face. He he he … what bugs? Occasionally you wave your hand in front of your face with a forced casualness that says ” “I don’t really mind or even notice these bugs, I just happen to be waving my hand in front of my face for totally unrelated reasons, he he he.”

But what you really want to do is break into a flailing run, flapping your arms madly in a must-swat-every-bug-on-the-planet sort of way, because these bugs are driving you freakin’ mad, and setting yourself on fire is starting to seem like a pleasant alternative to standing around in this GODDAMN SWARM OF BUGS! AAARRRRGGGG!

That’s how I feel about SPAM e-mail. I get over a hundred a day, which I immediately and calmly delete, trying to give them as little attention or energy as I can, constantly poised on the brink of calmly leaning back in my chair and RAMMING MY HEEL INTO MY COMPUTER SCREEN! Must maintain control, he he he.

It’s probably this borderline psychotic state which allowed me to first discover the pleasant rhythmic quality of junk e-mail. I mean, after awhile, the bugs start to sound like Beethoven, right? Yep, he he he… juuuuust like Beethoven.

It first hit me a few months back, after receiving this one:

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Subject: “Britney naked on a boat hox”

I don’t know what a “boat hox” is, and I don’t think it’s a failed attempt at spelling “botox,” thought spelling is always questionable in the world of SPAM, and “Britney naked on botox” does have a certain appeal. No, I think the “hox” is somehow thrown in there in an attempt to circumvent the junk-mail filtration systems that most people, including me, now have. I guess it worked.

However it came to be, “Britney naked on a boat hox” just sounded so good, so rhythmic and flowing, like a line of poetry. Yep … poetry.

I took a few more subject lines from SPAMs and arranged them around this one, attributing the creation to one of the many fake names that SPAMs are supposedly sent from, and I came up with:

MANAGE YOUR FINANCES … THE CHRISTIAN WAY

By Ishmael Coon

Keep facial hair neat and tidy

Increase your cup size

You no longer need the cops to tell you your drunk

Britney naked on a boat hox

Info about your colon

SPAM poetry! A poetry SPAM! With misspellings intact for maximum street cred! Dig it! Suddenly the swarm of bugs has become a billion little muses, whispering inspiration in my ears. And eyes. And nose. Yep, he he he … muses.

Now, I know that the tendency is going to be to just skim over the following bits of SPAM poetry (created entirely from SPAM subject lines and senders), but these works will only truly shine when read aloud. So, grab your friend, roommate, parents, co-workers, parole officer or whoever may be at hand, sit them down, clear your throat, cue your bongo player and bust with the SPAM poetry, daddy-o.

FINALLY SCIENCE HAS DONE IT

By Heatstroke K. Sharpener

Is Your Copper Peptide Cream A Fake?

Tired Of Things Flying Across The Dash?

Do You Have An Invention Idea?

Wanna Jerk Off For Free?

Just Curious About What U Need.

DINNER PLANS

By Ronnie G. Altimeters

Turn your dog’s kennel into a table

Think of your eternity ufos

Remote control hovercraft ” not found in stores

Let the Government help you with bills

Get Pain Relief Yo

GET PAID TO CRITIQUE YOUR WAITER

By Elvis McPherson

Rub And Grow 100% Guaranteed Breast Enhancement!

Instant Erection Formula That Works

Oils On Canvas From The Masters In Your Own Home

Congratulations! You Get A Free Robosweep

I NEED YOUR HELP

By Behavior T. Reneged

Time Travelers PLEASE HELP !

In the Public Eye

Self-conscious about the size of…

Medication refills

Patty Saturday crabmeat

The Unhuman Perversions!!!!!

Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com

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