Barry Smith: Irrelativity |

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Barry SmithThe Aspen TimesAspen, CO Colorado

Hello, and thank you for calling Verizon. This call may be recorded for quality-assurance purposes — click —VERIZON: Hi, welcome to Verizon. How may I help you today?BARRY: Oh hi. Um hows it going?V: Very well, thank you. Now how may I be of assistance?B: Well, I uh V: What? Whats wrong?B: Its just not working for me.V: Oh, well, perhaps youd like to upgrade to more minutes? Or a more comprehensive data package?B: No, its not that. All thats fine. Its just its me, really.V: Well Im sure we have a plan that will suit …B: I think we need to take a little break from each other. Just some time to think.V: (pause) You want to be without cell phone service for a while so you can THINK?B: Yeah, you know, clear my head, actually sit at a caf and read a book instead of texting. Wander around without anyone being able to reach me. Have uninterrupted thoughts. Like the way things used to be.V: But dont you remember that thrill of making your first phone call without having to find a phone booth, ask somebody to change a dollar, put that gross receiver to your ear? Remember that day? I do you even called me to tell me about it.B: I know, I know, it was good. It was special. Really. But things have just gotten too V: (silence)B: (silence)V: Too what?B: You know. Complicated. Look, I dont know how to explain it, I just need to cancel your services.V: Fine then!B: Dont be mad.V: Im not mad! I can give you your SPACE, or whatever. I just think youre making a big mistake. We have something good together, and you know it, so I dont know what makes you think that going without my service is going to be some sort of improvement.B: I said I was sorry.V: No, you didnt.B: Yes I did!V: Nope Im looking at the transcript right now, the one we keep for quality assurance, and you did NOT say you were sorry.B: Cant we be adults about this? Please cancel my service so we can both move on.V: Fine. Im pulling up your account now, and what the hell!?B: Uh oh V: Im showing that youve already ported your number over to AT&T?!B: Oh yeah, that. Well V: Shut up! You got an iPhone, didnt you? Youre destroying all weve built together over some little iFloozy. AND you had the gall to keep your old number? I gave you that number! THAT NUMBER WAS OURS!B: Look, this will be better for both of us V: How can you say that?B: Cant we just get this over with?V: Youre still under contract with me! For another year. Theres gonna be a penalty!B: I know.V: A serious freakin penalty! Im totally choosing the Maximum Penalty option right now!B: I know.V: And this will go on your record, so if you think for even a minute that youll B: Hey, Im getting another call I can see it flashing on the screen right now! No way! Theres even a picture of the person thats calling me! Man, these iPhones are SO cool! Are we done?V: Whatever.B: Oh, and could you send me a copy of the transcript of this call?V: For what?B: I want to run it as a column. Itll be easier than actually writing one.V: -click-

Visit Barrys web page at Or call him on his iPhone.

Go back to article