Beaton: I’ll pay liberals to fulfill their promises to leave
January 8, 2017
What do Al Sharpton, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Jon Stewart, Lena Dunham, Miley Cyrus, Cher and Whoopi Goldberg have in common?
The first, Al Sharpton, is allegedly a minister. White House visitor records show he visited the White House over 80 times to minister to President Obama.
The reason you seldom see Obama in religious services is evidently the same reason you seldom see him in a Pizza Hut. He gets it delivered. From Al.
As ministers go, Al is unusual in that he has over $4 million in tax liens against him. It seems the offering plate he passes around at the White House stays pretty empty.
Anyway, Al announced last year that if Donald Trump were elected, he would leave the country.
But he's still here. I care about Al and want to help him with his travel plans. So I hereby offer to buy him a one-way ticket out of the country if he promises never to return.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a legitimate Supreme Court justice about three centuries ago — and not just in the way that Al is a minister.
But then in a series of interviews that were later condemned by even the newspaper to which she gave them, she blathered about everything from the election of the president to football players kneeling during the national anthem.
After each blathering, she expressed regret and then promptly blathered some more like a crazy, old aunt at Thanksgiving dinner. Her own colleagues have taken to calling her "Notorious RBG."
Regarding the election, she said Trump's win would signal that "it's time for us to move to New Zealand." But like Al, she's still here.
I'll give her the same deal as Al. I'll buy her a one-way ticket all the way from the United States to New Zealand, or any place in between. (By the way, how sweet is it that Trump is likely to be the one to name Ginsburg's replacement sometime in the coming years?)
Then there's comedian Jon Stewart. He's actually a funny guy, who happens to be the main source of news for many liberals. He makes news funny and, failing that, he makes news up.
Stewart promised that if Trump were elected he would move to another planet.
OK, libs, I can arrange that for you. If Stewart wants to move to another planet, I'll send him all the way to Uranus.
It'll be a laugh a minute.
Lena Dunham is one of those names you've heard but can't imagine why. I don't think she's worth sending away.
Which brings us to an alleged singer named Miley Cyrus, formerly known as Hannah Roseannadanna Montana, or something.
Miley said the election of Trump broke her heart into "100,000 pieces," give or take 99,990 since she can only count to 10. I'll send her wherever she'd like to go and will even tag along to help her with numbers and stuff.
Returning to the cosmos for a moment, a person named Cherilyn Sarkisian, who goes by "Cher," said she'd move to Jupiter. OK, she can share a flight with Stewart, who will be going the same direction, roughly.
That brings us to Caryn Elaine Johnson, who asks that we call her "Whoopi." I don't like Caryn, but I admire her moxie in asking us to call her Whoopi. If you're willing to call her Whoopi, then I want you to call me "Yowza!" With the exclamation point, please.
Like the others, Caryn said she'd leave the country if Trump won. She didn't say where she'd go but in the past she has said, "I'm not sure communism is necessarily a bad thing."
After killing 94 million people, communism is mostly in the dust bin of history. But like a persistent pustule, it still survives here in the People's Republic of Aspen and in North Korea. Aspen is not big enough for the two of us, so let's send Caryn to North Korea. She'll never have to worry again about elections coming out the wrong way.
Enough of the travel itineraries. Here's the broader question: Why do libs keep promising to leave the country if a Republican wins, and why do they keep reneging on their promises?
It's almost like they hate Republicans more than they love their country. OK, that's their right. In the land of the free, you're free to hate anyone — or at least Republicans.
But why do these libs keep reneging on their promises to leave? Perhaps these hapless individuals would finally find happiness if they exercised their inalienable right to pursue it in another country.
For their sake and ours, I want to help them. I hereby offer to buy a one-way ticket for any Aspen resident who promised in writing before the election to leave the country if Trump was elected, provided they do so permanently and relinquish their citizenship.
Yes, this could be expensive. But it's worth it.
Correspond at theAspenbeat@gmail.com.