Clean your emissions with Under-Ease | AspenTimes.com

Clean your emissions with Under-Ease

Jon Maletz

We’ve all been there. Packed on a crowded subway, waiting in a checkout line, at an intimate gathering among close friends.

Suddenly, and with little warning, you feel a rumble in your small intestine. You’re about to let some gas fly, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. In a last-ditch effort, you try to achieve a meditative state, or to occupy your mind with something else – anything else.Inevitably, you won’t pucker your cheeks fast enough. It’s possibly the most socially awkward situation known to man – besides back hair. You can blame it on the guy standing next to you but, in most cases, it’ll be impossible to disguise your flustered expression. They’ll trace the lingering smell back to you. Then you’re on your own.Don’t fret, my friends. There’s no longer any need to waste energy trying to hold it in. Go ahead, have another burrito or an extra helping of General Tso’s. There’s a new product that has you and your emissions covered. Literally.

Under-Ease’s protective underwear is giving new hope and freedom to hundreds (make sure to peruse the online testimonials). And it could single-handedly bolster the Mexican food industry.Under-Ease is an innovative system to alleviate the olfactory effects of bad human gas, perhaps better known by its scientific name, malodorous flatus. These high-tech undies are made of soft, airtight, polyurethane-coated fabric (think boxing shorts, minus the decorative tassels), with a triangular “exit hole” in the back. That hole is covered with a pocket of porous fabric, which contains a washable filter made of wool, activated carbon and spun glass materials. Yikes. It sounds simple enough, but I was skeptical. I decided to take a crack at the shorts myself. They were surprisingly comfortable, although the filter, which feels like the padding of bicycle shorts – or a big-boy diaper – does take some getting used to. Under-Ease won’t appear on any Milan runways soon, but the snug waist and leg elastics are quite flattering.I hardly consider myself a gaseous person. But, in order to put Under-Ease to the ultimate test, I asked an editor to accompany me for lunch at the Cantina – I said I was doing “research.” He avoided me. Go figure.

Instead, I settled on a creative concoction of soda, beans and chicken from the Big Wrap. It did the trick.Despite my best flatulent efforts, Under-Ease lived up to its billing. Let’s just say this: I’m wearing them right now, I just did, and no one in the newsroom knows but me. What a liberating experience!Under-Ease’s only downfalls? There are no models made to fit my editor’s aging pit bull. And they do nothing to muffle the noise produced by such bodily functions. I suggest that a small device be embedded in the filter that, when flatus is produced, replicates the soothing sounds of a dog barking in the distance, a backfiring car or the Lynyrd Skynyrd classic, “That Smell.”That kind of technology would be worthy of the Nobel Prize.

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