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November 30, 2012
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Todd Hartley: I'm With Stupid

Big news, people: We've done it! We here at "I'm With Stupid" have finally, after years of unremitting toil, sequenced the DNA of the yeti, the Loch Ness monster, the chupacabra, the Jersey devil, the Maryland goatman, the Montauk monster, the Ozark howler, the thunderbird, the wampus cat, the lizard man of Scape Ore Swamp, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and the Mongolian death worm.

We could explain how we did it - it involved sequencing mitochondrial genomes and utilizing next-generation helical detection - but we're pretty sure nobody's interested in that sort of technical mumbo-jumbo. Suffice it to say that we used a peer-reviewed, means-tested, double-blind method that virtually guarantees that our work is devoid of errors.

Oh, we fully expect there will be some naysayers; there always are. If you recall, Newton and Galileo had their detractors, too, but we're fully confident that, like those two famed scientists, someday our work will come to be every bit as accepted as the law of gravity and the notion that the Earth orbits the sun.

It would be fair to wonder how we obtained the genetic material we used to sequence the DNA. In critical scientific experiments like ours, it's vitally important that samples remain uncontaminated and free from human tampering. We know that, and we can assure you that our sources are absolutely unimpeachable.

For instance, the material we used to sequence the Montauk monster was discovered on a beach near East Hampton by a renowned marine biologist who packed it in dry ice and shipped it overnight to our laboratories to ensure its freshness. And while it looked a lot like Manhattan clam chowder, now we can say with absolute certainty that it was, in fact, vomit from a heretofore undocumented species of aquatic origin.

Likewise, the sample of coarse, red hair that a field researcher in New Jersey recovered for us was vacuum-sealed in a tamper-resistant bag and hand-delivered to eliminate the possibility of human interference. At first, a couple of our staff members thought it resembled dyed, heavily moussed clippings from the floor of a salon in the Garden State Plaza mall, but upon closer examination, it turned out to be from a devil's goatee.

We take great pride in adhering to the utmost standards of scientific integrity when it comes to our samples. Our Loch Ness monster DNA came from a piece of smoked salmon with a peculiar bite mark that one of Scotland's top biologists insisted was not of human origin. Our thunderbird sample came from a feather donated by the Navajo Nation's wisest medicine man, and our Easter Bunny sample was lifted from an egg used in the White House's own Easter-egg hunt. We all know politicians don't lie, so clearly that sample was legitimate.

The only creature to arrive at our labs alive was the Mongolian death worm. We would have loved to reveal the living specimen to the public, but, true to its name, the worm devoured two of our staffers, and we survivors were forced to shoot it before it could kill us, as well.

Now, you may be curious as to why we didn't sequence the DNA of North America's most famous mythical creature, the Sasquatch (or bigfoot, as you unscientific folk call it). There's actually a very good reason. You see, somebody beat us to it.

Just last week, Texas scientist Melba S. Ketchum released a statement claiming that she had, indeed, sequenced the DNA of a Sasquatch from a blueberry bagel left in the backyard of a home in Michigan that allegedly receives regular bigfoot visits. (We swear we're not making that up.)

Never mind that Ketchum's company, DNA Diagnostics, got an "F" rating from the Better Business Bureau, and disregard the fact that Ketchum has not allowed any scientific peer review of her findings. That sort of adherence to "standards" and "facts" is for pencil-necked geeks and people who don't watch Fox News. The important thing is that Ketchum finally has proven something we all want to believe.

At this point, I think the next step in these experiments is obvious to anyone who has ever seen "Jurassic Park." We here at "I'm With Stupid" plan to use the DNA we've sequenced to create live chupacabras and wampus cats to sell as pets. We don't know if Ketchum plans to do the same, but from now on, we intend to leave blueberry bagels in the yard to attract a Sasquatch of our own.


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The Aspen Times Updated Nov 30, 2012 08:17AM Published Nov 30, 2012 01:42AM Copyright 2012 The Aspen Times. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.