Roger Marolt
Columnist
Snowmass Village, CO, Colorado

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July 3, 2012
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Roger Marolt: The Village could learn something from online dating

It's pretty apparent to me that Related's new strategy for Base Village, assuming some other hyper-savvy former Miami or Las Vegas developer doesn't swoop in and steal the current repo-repossession from underneath it, is buy and hold. I mean seriously, if it had even the inkling of a good idea in the works, it would be hyping it up and trying to pre-sell with the banks' blessings by now, if not six months ago.

As it stands, I think Related is willing to sit on it long enough to let the current worthless vested rights expire and wait for the greater fool, which once populated local time-share member cocktail parties and is suddenly shyer than a sasquatch, to come along and make an offer. Maybe they think it will be Aspen Skiing Co., which stuck it to them on the original purchase. It may well be, but, if so, it won't be for a very long time when Related becomes so desperate that it drops the price to next to nothing and Skico sticks it to them again. I'm actually rooting for Skico on this just for the comedic relief.

The point is: Don't get your hopes up for anything economically positive happening out here until you hear the howling from Town Council members as select body parts are being tightened in a vice cranked by Pat Smith's clone.

In the meantime we are charged with the unenviable task of making this town more popular than, say, Rifle, in the summer. How do you do that? I mean, they've got Columbine Ford and a railroad yard easily visible from the highway full of gas drilling pipes and tanks filled with genuine fracking fluid.

I, for one, don't believe it is too soon to pull all the stops and act like the most desperate people on earth: online daters. It's been there since the beginning. In this day and age when everything is online, it was the first online anything, except for maybe its first cousin, online porn. Whatever, it must work because it not only survives, it proliferates!

The first "do's" of online dating are "lie" and "post doctored-up photos of yourself." We already did these when the first-generation Base Village was rolled out. It worked for a while, but we didn't quite seal the deal before we were found out during that pesky global economic meltdown. Now what?

As they say in the biz, innovate or dye your hair. We have the false front on and that's about as close as we can get to a new hair color. That didn't make any noticeable difference, so we have to come up with a new gimmick.

I read the other day that the latest thing in online dating is pheromones. These are secretions from people's glands that produce a unique smell that supposedly attracts members of the opposite sex. It has been proven to work with rats, so we might assume it works even better with humans. At any rate, people apparently sleep with a T-shirt on and then mail it in a plastic bag to other people who hold it to their faces and inhale deeply to smell if they might want to take the owner to dinner and a movie. According to surveys, nine out of 10 hopelessly desperate loners say it is amazing.

You want to know how this pheromone thing might help Snowmass Village attract visitors. I'll give you a clue: We don't rely on the fact that the whole project stinks. We work on a bed-by-bed basis. An added bonus is that it is totally green in multiple facets. The idea is so ingenious that I almost feel like wetting my pants over it, which actually kind of fits into the plan.

Here it is: We stop changing the sheets! Imagine the accumulation of pheromones our commercial bedding could accumulate in even just one busy week! After a while there would be such an accumulation of pheromones on each and every pillowcase and bottom sheet that there would be some trace of a scent to attract everyone in the world. And it's free! Admittedly, it sounds a little grossly sexual, but it's not like many guests don't already suspect that we practice just such a thing in many of our local rental condos already.

If we buy in to this plan wholeheartedly, we will certainly raise occupancy rates along with room prices. We'll keep phosphates out of our rivers and electricity out of our laundry rooms. With the amount of water we conserve, we might even be able to drain Zeigler Reservoir and start excavating mammoth bones again. Soup anyone?

Roger Marolt now wonders why Motel 6 was so wildly popular in the 80s. Contact him at roger@maroltllp.com.


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The Aspen Times Updated Jul 3, 2012 05:30PM Published Jul 3, 2012 05:29PM Copyright 2012 The Aspen Times. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.